Jen Signs The Ducks' Yearbooks (Part I)

ARTHUR:
So, not that long ago, we started the search for a free agent to add to the writing staff here at Anaheim Calling. We've gotten a pretty enthusiastic response, and we'll be trying out some new contributors during the offseason. Show them some love, and throw them some feedback.

First up is Jen (aka Sticks.Gloves.Shirt). Jen knows her hockey, and she's 150% personality, so we were glad to take a look at what she can do. Get an eyeful after the jump...

JEN:

UPDATE: Disclaimer: Jen is just a Ducks' fan and has been one since moving to California in 1996. She is not, in any way, connected to the Anaheim Ducks organization. What she writes are her opinions, and are intended for entertainment only. Relax, laugh, and enjoy the First Amendment at work.

I wanted to take a moment to reach out personally to a few members of the Ducks, reflect back on the season that was and offer ideas of what to work on during the summer break.

Bobby Ryan

A big summer ahead of you, young Jedi. Two 30-plus goal seasons have endeared you, and your perfectly coifed bed head, to the hearts of Ducks fans. Tim Ryan, Bob Murray and The Samueli’s have listed you (with Perry and Getzlaf) as the future of the organization.

For the summer: 1) Sign early. No need to wait until July 1st. I’m predicting Murph is going to give you a deal like Getzlaf and Perry - long term (take it for UFA status) at a little over $5M a year. Sure, you’ll receive "Dustin Penner-esque" offer sheets from other teams, but do other teams have Newport Beach and silicone as far as the eye can see? Nope. 2) Work on your poker face. You take hundreds of shots a game. No need to look to the heavens or do a head down pout on the bench each time. Get over it. 3) For the love of all things holy, stay away from Joffrey Lupul. You’re young. There is no sense in becoming a douche bag this early.

Ryan Getzlaf

You know I adore you, right? Wanted to get that out of the way before I said this, I get that playing for Canada in the Olympics is a big deal, but seriously, they aren’t paying your salary with ridiculously high ticket prices. You’re 25. There will be more Olympic games for you. While gritting out the ankle sprain in the Olympics is admirable, we had a playoff hunt to resume. Instead of starting the season up again at 100%, we got you at 75% (I’m being generous) and then lost you again. If we’re going to continue this relationship, please consider MY feelings.

For the summer: 1) If you need surgery on any body part, including hair restoration treatments (you’re a marquee player in the NHL, you need hair), please get it NOW. The late groin surgery in the off-season really hampered your start to this season. 2) As the likely next Captain of the team, shut up on the ice. Unless something truly egregious happens, don’t follow the ref around yapping. My guess is that most of the PG comments contain the word "stuff" and all the sports clichés you’re so fond of. No one needs to hear that.

Corey Perry

What happened?!? You were off to a great start. Then I kinda forgot you were on the team. For that, I don’t have much to reflect on…

For the summer: 1) Promise me you’ll never, ever, ever, grow that creepy flesh colored beard again. Someone is lying to you if they tell you it looks good. 2) Drive up to LA and take some acting lessons. There is no way in hell that officials are going to let you get away with what you did this season. Work on that "What?! Me?!?" face and proper diving procedure (I recommend seeing Paul Kariya for that technique).

Joffrey Lupul

I’ll give it to you, there were high expectations coming into the season. The player we gave up for you left a gaping hole, and we hoped your offensive prowess would make up for some of the loss. Instead, you were struck by a back injury, surgery and subsequent blood infection. Here’s what I don’t like: through the media you were optimistic about your return to the team during the season, stating how much you wanted to get going on physical therapy. Then, turns out, you like to boost your own narcissistic ego and started a Twitter account (as if the "In the Loops" blog wasn’t enough). Here’s how your "tweets" panned out by theme: 85% partying and/or girls, 5% stupid comments that make you look like a moron, 5% music, 2.5% hockey, and 2.5% physical therapy. If that wasn’t enough, you weaseled your way onto the team’s road trip to Canada, only to announce that you wouldn’t be coming back that season; ergo, partying on the company dime. For those facts alone, I give you my "Douchebag of the Season" award.

For the summer: 1) Here’s a novel thought, cut back on the partying and work on your hockey! Whoa! I know. Sometimes I even amaze myself. If necessary, I will place an anonymous phone call to the health department to have Sharkeez shut down. 2) Delete that damn Twitter account. I know that, as a player, you’re a product that needs to be marketed, but you aren’t helping yourself. My guess is that the Ducks’ brass know what you’re writing, and so do other teams. Help your own stock by sticking to the "In the Loops" blog that can be edited by the Ducks people. 3) Stay away from Bobby Ryan.

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