Jen Gives Advice (Whether You Want It Or Not)

JEN:

Since I started writing for Anaheim Calling, Arthur began receiving random emails written to me from anonymous readers asking for advice. I know what you’re thinking, "Why the hell would anyone ask this chick for advice?" I thought the same thing. So, I’m doing what every reasonable person would do when faced with this situation…answer the letters in a public forum. Do enjoy my unqualified opinion.

Dear Jen,

I'm an older player, and I've been considering hanging up my skates every summer for a while now. I know, very Favre, but it's hard to make the commitment at this age. The game is still fun, and they finally got me another tiny playmaker, but I just don't know if the new boss knows how to make a winning team. Technically, he never has. He took over in November two seasons ago and we squeaked into the playoffs, but that puts him 1-3 in managing a team to the postseason. I don't really want to play for another team, but my experience lately has been a lot of freak injuries and a team whose goal seems to be the struggle just to get back to the playoffs. What should I do?

Hurting in Helsinki

Hi Hurting,

If Sex and the City has taught me anything, it’s two things: 1) 40 ain’t nothing but a number and 2) true happiness is a closet full of Dior, Manolos and Chanel.

Funny you should mention Brett Favre. Not sure if you’ve heard yet, but he had ankle surgery on Friday. Without this surgery, he would be incapable of playing this upcoming season. Take Favre’s lead and triumphantly return to the team.

I know it’s tough to have a boss that’s a moron. I recommend playing hardball. Use whatever influence you have to get him to re-sign you, your tiny playmaking friend, and perhaps a defenseman that’s been contemplating the same issue as you. Yet, don’t play hard to get to a point where the three of you sign with a different team. That would open a wormhole in the universe that not even Bruce Willis would be able to close.

Lots of love,

J

Dear Jen,

I am new to the team, and I'm having trouble making friends. I would like to hang out with the goaltender sometimes, but he is from Switzerland, and I am from Slovakia -- I just don't know if it would work out. Could you suggest some ways I might break the ice? Perhaps if I bake him a batch of cookies?

Lonely Lubo


Hey Lonely,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re having trouble making friends! I have a couple ideas in mind to help you out.

First, maybe you should re-think your position with the Swiss goalie. While it may seem like a good idea to hang around him in his goal crease, I think it would be better to keep your distance. The best thing for you to do is keep the puck in the other end, near the other team’s goalie.

Second, did you ever consider bringing in some new friends? How about a Russian comrade like Anton Volchenkov or Sergei Gonchar? Think about it, Russian President Medvedev stated that Slovakia was Russia’s greatest partner in business and trade ventures. Why don’t you lead the way by convincing one of them to partner with you on the blueline? Who needs the United Nations when the world has you!

Udachi i khoroshego nastroeniya!

(That’s ‘good luck and keep well’ in Russian),

Jen

Dear Jen,

Have you heard about Twitter? It's the best!!! Have to run -- my back hurts.

Big Man in Anaheim Edmonton Philly Anaheim

Hey there,

Glad to hear you’re embracing the social media revolution! One word of caution though, what you put on Twitter becomes available to EVERYONE. That includes your mom, your boss, your lady friend(s), God, random female bloggers on websites, etc. If they criticize you, it’s because you put the info out there. Best solution to any haters? Dedicate yourself to something good – charity work, self-improvement, or complete devotion to your job even.

Also, I asked my mom, a nurse that speaks excellent English, about your back. She recommends an uncompromising work ethic to a physical therapy regimen and cutting back on any activities not necessary to your recovery.

Take it easy (seriously),

J

Dear Jen,

I would like to complain about the quality of the seating in the Honda Center, notably that of the penalty box bench -- it's not very comfortable. After I take a needless retaliatory offensive-zone penalty and then yell at the officials about it, I'd like to relax in a plush reclining chair for the two minutes, not a hard piece of lumber. It's almost made me think twice about -- hold on a sec. I think that guy over there looked at me funny. I'm going to hustle over and punch him in the face.

Stud n’ Stuff from Saskatchewan

Hi Stud,

Between you and me, the refs are after you! Anything you do that's not related to scoring goals in the offensive zone is going to get them to call some crazy penalty on you. I know, 'what the hell?!' Not like they'd do that to anyone else. Seriously? Like one of the creepy Sedin twins would get called for elbowing a guy in the face when he doesn't have the puck.

I bet this conspiracy has motivated them to make the penalty box bench uncomfortable, just to punish you even further. My advice to you: keep your mouth shut and stay out of the box. We don't want "The Man" figuring out that we're onto his game.

XOXO,

J

Dear Jen,

The World Championships went great – except for that whole losing thing! I've never collided with a goalie in Germany before! They hate it, too!

Corey in Cologne

Hey Corey!

So sorry to hear about the disappointing loss at The World Championships! As the only gold medalist from the Olympics on the team, you were finally given the spotlight you think you deserve! For your time in Germany, you were kinda like Sidney Crosby, except with less God-given talent.

Isn’t it crazy how the hatred for crashing the net knows no time-zone? Do tell me, in how many different languages did you learn the term "douchebag"?

Safe travels back home,

Jen

Dear Jen,

I know this probably isn't the right place to ask, but do you think I could crash on your couch a few nights? My landlord's being an ass, and any minute now an NHL team will be signing me, I know it.

Your pal,

Not Kyle Calder

Kyle,

I’ve said this every single season, and the answer continues to be, "NO!" I still haven’t gotten the stench out from the last time.

Contact me again, and my lawyer will slap you so hard with a restraining order that the spark from the paper hitting your face will cause Patrick Marleau’s eyebrows to go up in flames.

This is your FINAL warning,

Jen

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