Jen Plays a Game
by Jen Neale on Jun 15, 2010 12:00 AM PDT
in Slow News Day
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PrintJEN:
Ahh, the off-season. The Ducks started theirs waaay too early, thereby causing me to reach even further into my bag of stuff to write about each week. While I wait for any (major) news from the Ducks front office to crack wise about, I've decided to play a little game.
During a similar dead news cycle last year, Arthur and Daniel rated the Power Players. Since I'm the only girl on staff, it's only right I put my own spin on their game with the Ducks players (though I guess this could work for man-crushes too).
Some of you may be familiar with the game "Bang. Marry. Kill." If not, here's a quick rundown. A player is given a list of three people. Of those three people, the player must select which person they would have intimate relations with (bang), spend the rest of their life with (marry), or eliminate from the face of the planet (kill). Please note that I do not actually want to kill anyone. Last thing I need is another parole violation.
In the hockey version of the game, I'll be matching up the Ducks lines (with a few exceptions) and deciding which one to bang, marry, or kill. It would be too boring to play this game on my own, so I enlisted the services of two members of my entourage: my BFF/roommate Kristin and my mom. It should be noted that my mom is the complete opposite of me; she's sweet, compassionate, kind, and a super awesome oncology nurse.
All judgments and comments are based on the roster photos from the Ducks' website. Enjoy! (Note: if you play this game with your mom, get your therapist on the phone immediately afterwards)
| Ryan Getzlaf | Corey Perry | Bobby Ryan | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Kill | Bang | RG - how many days until I break up his wedding? |
| Mom | Bang | Marry | Kill | BR - Geek Squad |
| Kristin | Bang | Kill | Marry | RG - losing hair, attractive only for a limited time |
| Saku Koivu | Teemu Selanne | Joffrey Lupul | Comments | |
| Jen | Bang | Marry | Kill | JL - ok, maybe our past influences my decision |
| Mom | Kill | Marry | Bang | JL - a jerk, but definitely bang-able (Jen note: MOTHER!) |
| Kristin | Bang | Marry | Kill | JL - ass |
| Kyle Chipchura | Troy Bodie | Todd Marchant | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Bang | Marry | KC - love the guy, but looks like a serial killer in his pic |
| Mom | Bang | Kill | Marry | TB - sorry Bodie, too lame |
| Kristin | Kill | Marry | Bang | KC - if we were in a relationship, I know I'd end up killing him |
| Dan Sexton | Jason Blake | Mike Brown | Comments | |
| Jen | Bang | Kill | Marry | JB - Albino hamster |
| Mom | Marry | Kill | Bang | MB - uh huh, mmm, like them scruffy |
| Kristin | Bang | Kill | Marry | DS - little Sexy!; MB - yummy |
| George Parros | Matt Beleskey | Ryan Carter | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Kill | Bang | GP - dare I say it…free mustache rides for life! |
| Mom | Bang | Kill | Marry | GP - HOT & a breast cancer cure advocate |
| Kristin | Bang | Marry | Kill | GP - I'd rather have him as backup in a fight |
| Scott Neidermayer | James Wisniewski | Aaron Ward | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Kill | Bang | JW - I'd probably hurt him |
| Mom | Marry | Kill | Bang | SN - my favorite name, NEIDERMEYER! (Jen Note: She loves Animal House) |
| Kristin | Kill | Bang | Marry | SN - he looks like my uncle. Waking up next to him would be weird |
| Lubomir Visnovsky | Sheldon Brookbank | Steve Eminger | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Bang | Kill | SE - there aren't enough vodka tonics in the world to make him attractive |
| Mom | Kill | Marry | Bang | SB - stable-looking guy (Jen Note: she has no clue…) |
| Kristin | Marry | Bang | Kill | SE - doesn't he look like a mass murderer? |
| Jonas Hiller | Curtis McElhinney | Brendan Mikkelson | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Marry | Bang | CMc - looks like PeeWee Herman |
| Mom | Kill | Bang | Marry | All nice guys, I'm sure, but none are my type |
| Kristin | Kill | Bang | Marry | JH - great goalie, but should keep his mask on |
| All-Star Edition | ||||
| Alexander Ovechkin | Sidney Crosby | Jonathan Toews | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Bang | Marry | AO - I'd be worried about what I'd catch |
| Mom | Bang | Marry | Kill | AO - OH YEAH BABY, SO HOT (Jen Note: really disturbed by this) |
| Kristin | Kill | Marry | Bang | SC - SO HOT (Jen note: we argue about this. He looks like a wet rat) |
| Banged/Dated Celebrities | ||||
| Sean Avery | Mike Fisher | Mike Comrie | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Marry | Bang | MF - honestly, I like Carrie Underwood better |
| Mom | Kill | Marry | Bang | SA - looks lame and like a serial killer |
| Kristin | Kill | Bang | Marry | MC - marrying into money, nice. |
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I should note that the Power Players post, while it seems like a low point for this blog, was actually meant to subtly mock the mainstream Ducks news outlets, which had turned the Power Players selection into a multi-day story. I think the OC Register even had video coverage. This is a pleasant alternative to Daniel and I doing that again, though I think they should have done one line of power players.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 15, 2010 12:03 AM PDT reply actions
LET ME SAY ONE THING: YOU ARE ALL FUCKIN CRAZY ESPECIALLY JEN WHO WOULDN"T WANT TO BANG HILLER OR MIKKELSON?
You are quite passionate about this. (Note to self: Include Albert K in next seasons game).
:)
"I'm not a lady. I'm a DUCK!" - Connie Moreau, D2: Mighty Ducks
Writer for http://www.anaheimcalling.com
He’s jailbait, and apparently crazier than Sean Avery
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 15, 2010 8:52 AM PDT up reply actions
Yes, let’s please not acquire someone that our scouting and coaching staff both liked and bred. What’s your problem with him? He didn’t work out in your video game? Or whatever other arbitrary methods you use to evaluate players? Or did you hear that he wanted more money like that awful Chris Kunitz, who in your world asked for a raise immediately after re-signing?
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 15, 2010 1:34 PM PDT up reply actions
MUCH better. Some of his comments actually make sense, but unfortunately most don’t.
There's nothing to see here. And nothing gazes back at me.
He sprinkles in the word fuck so much that whatever he’s saying, he seems to really mean it.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 16, 2010 10:51 AM PDT up reply actions
thats nate arthur stop hating on me i meant to say o brien is not a legit top 4 d man because he is like brookbank except slightly better.
He’s actually nothing like Brookbank, and his strengths above Brookbank are that he’s bigger, younger and shows much more natural aggression. A player like that can absolutely be a second pairing defenseman in the West, especially on a team like the Ducks that has little guy defensemen like Wisniewski and Visnovsky.
Again, I don’t know what video game evaluation methods you were using, but O’Brien is well capable of playing the part that Aaron Ward was meant to fill for us after the deadline. No one ever put him on the table as a big acquisition. So you saying, ‘you guys are crazy to talk about a 1.5M guy, this potentially 4M guy would be better.’ Yeah, he probably would be; that’s why he’s up for a raise! You’re comparing players suggested completely out of context, and you’re using garbled language to do it. I’m beginning to think of the days when you posted lies about Chris Kunitz as the Golden Age.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 16, 2010 6:03 PM PDT up reply actions
How could anyone want to kill Lubo?
Hell, I want to marry that guy!
by PhantomPretender on Jun 15, 2010 9:36 AM PDT via mobile reply actions
It’s funny, because I asked Jen if she would want to do a line of power players so the game could keep its occasional homo-erotic humor. Little did I know I would find it in the comments
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 15, 2010 9:44 AM PDT up reply actions
Im pretty sure
that my year’s of heavy invovlement in pro wrestling has allowed me to corner the market on homo-eroticism.
by PhantomPretender on Jun 15, 2010 11:14 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions
I don’t think we live in a world where a married straight man can corner the market on homo-eroticism, Dustin Rhodes aside
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 15, 2010 11:18 AM PDT up reply actions
blake should be banged out of pity..you gals are evil
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jun 15, 2010 10:12 AM PDT reply actions
ha! too many guys do get banged out of pity as it is … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
"It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves." -- Bob Newhart
u have just described my sex life in a nutshell
2009-2010 Anaheim Ducks.."Hey at least were not the sharks!!"
by SPADE-IN-VICTORHELL on Jun 16, 2010 3:17 PM PDT up reply actions
I don’t get it, → JL – ok, maybe our past influences my decision
Hometown : Montreal
First language : French
This explains why this post is filled with spelling, syntax and grammar mistakes!
Lupul responded to Jen via Twitter after this post.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 15, 2010 11:20 AM PDT up reply actions
This made me lawl
REAL SOVIET DAMAGE!!!!!
by SouthTexasTitan on Jun 15, 2010 11:17 AM PDT reply actions
hmmmm wonder if I can get FTF to do this … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
"It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves." -- Bob Newhart
I have a question, do you have to marry any? Can there be two bangs and one kill? Or three bangs, or any combination of those without the marry?
(I know I know, not following the rules)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
"It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves." -- Bob Newhart
Do it on FTF! I would kill all, if playing FTF’s game by your rules :) haha. You know I love ya Angy, even if you are a Fin Fan.
You HAVE to designate one of each. My mom went through the same dilemma. She doesn’t like to be mean. The way I explained it to her was, “someone strapped bombs to me, my dad, and my bros. You have to designate one of each or they’re pushing the trigger to blow us up.” Oh and a glass of wine helped her too.
"I'm not a lady. I'm a DUCK!" - Connie Moreau, D2: Mighty Ducks
Writer for http://www.anaheimcalling.com
but rules are meant to be broken!
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security" -- Benjamin Franklin
"It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves." -- Bob Newhart
In my experience, having played with guys that use the most twisted options possible, the “marry” option is often valuable, as it forces you to spend the rest of your life with someone for whom you’ve ignored the moral imperative to kill. (See: FMK Gary Bettman, Adolf Hitler and Augusto Pinochet).
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 15, 2010 6:00 PM PDT up reply actions
I think the only proper thing to do now is for all of us AC readers to play Bang. Marry. Kill. with Jen, her mum, and her friend…
"Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off."
I’ve met Jen and one of her friends (not sure if it was Kristin), but i’ve never met her mom. I’d probably put her mom in the Kill category just because I apparently don’t have the requisite facial hair to board that ride. :-(
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 16, 2010 12:01 AM PDT up reply actions
Haha, no Arthur that was my friend Tiffany. Kristin was unavailable for that game.
I’ll have to get a picture of the three of us together. Oh and I will not be telling my mom about your choice for her.
"I'm not a lady. I'm a DUCK!" - Connie Moreau, D2: Mighty Ducks
Writer for http://www.anaheimcalling.com
You can tell her she’s in my bang category, but I need to find some beard tonic to make it enjoyable for the both of us ;-)
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 16, 2010 10:48 AM PDT up reply actions
Um…yes. Maybe out of nostalgia? A couple months ago, I went and saw the revival of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse at Nokia. It was like I was 10 years old all over again.
"I'm not a lady. I'm a DUCK!" - Connie Moreau, D2: Mighty Ducks
Writer for http://www.anaheimcalling.com
I was a big Pee Wee’s Playhouse fan. Daniel’s sister dragged me to Disneyland recently, and when we went on Star Tours, NONE of the children were laughing at the pilot and his Pee Wee routine. I felt like slapping them all individually.
by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Jun 16, 2010 10:46 AM PDT up reply actions
Jen, this is a great post.
http://sacrificethebody.blogspot.com/
Sacrifice the Body - Examining the NHL through statistical analysis, reasoned thought, and blind conjecture.
So Jen how many drinks did it take you to get over your Mom’s answers? It took me about 8 after I heard my mother talk about Tom Seleck once and his mustache once. I still have nightmares.
Haha. Did Monday happen? I don’t remember… jk!
OH! She loooves Tom Seleck too.
It’s so funny to compare these guys to my dad. They have been married 30 years (in August) and he’s the most clean cut guy on the planet. I dared him to grow a goatee once. He did and we all (including my mom) didn’t like it.
"I'm not a lady. I'm a DUCK!" - Connie Moreau, D2: Mighty Ducks
Writer for http://www.anaheimcalling.com
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