Jen, the Bachelorette: Voyage for a New Captain

JEN:

[to the Camera]

I can't believe we're at the final rose ceremony. It's been a rough few weeks for me, the bachelorette in search of her captain. I was ready to settle down with Scotty (again). Then he throws me a curveball and takes himself out of the competition to spend more time with his family. Ugh. Is it me?

Anyways, I can't dwell on what did and didn't happen; it's time to move forward. Saku Koivu and Ryan Getzlaf are my two assistant bachelors left, and there can only be one captain of my ship.

[Cut to crowded penalty box. Jen is in a ball gown and is wearing a tiara for no reason. Koivu and Getzlaf are on either side of her in their game day uniforms and bow ties]

Ryan. Saku, it's been quite a journey to get to this point. There has been a lot of heartbreak. Honestly, I was hoping it wouldn't get here and I could skate off into the sunset with Scotty for another year. Yet, he's gone. Both of you served quite notably behind him during the season and now I must choose...

Oh Saku, my love. We are only beginning our relationship. Our first year of courtship proved to be a successful one. You carried a team that lacked the motivation and drive to continue on, even when all hope was lost.

When I think of you, the first thing that comes to mind is, "sexy." While that is a great quality for a captain, I must go with the second thing that comes to mind, and that is "clutch." Each shift you turn the dial up to 11 (the reason, I assume, you selected that number for your sweater) and play until you are completely spent. Always fighting for each puck, winning the crucial faceoff, scoring the winning goal, you sir, are clutch . . . and yes, sexy :)

You are a great man that has overcome such adversity to wear the black, gold, and orange. No one forgets that you overcame cancer just to come back and play the game. How brave you were to defeat that beast! It was also so very brave of you to pick up everything in Montreal and move to Southern California, just to be reunited with former bachelorette contestant and BFF Teemu Selanne. I love the youthful exuberance you two display when you're together. Let's hope Teemu feels the same.

My only concern is quite a selfish one. As noted in the press, it seems you'll only be around Anaheim for another two years. If I select you as my captain, will I be right back here looking for another in 2012? So much to consider and I don't want to end up like Montreal, single and captain-less, since you left.

[Jen drops Saku's hands, and turns to Ryan. She holds his face in her hands and plants a big kiss on him. After the producers pull her off, she grabs Ryan's hands - he flinches]

My dearest Ryan. Since the day you came into the league, I have been absolutely in love (or maybe that was ‘in lust') with you. Your sheer size, skill, and ability to play the game is second to none in my book. What a blessing for those of us in Anaheim, that no one else was satisfied with your potential and took you earlier in the audition rounds. All those who hate on you are just jealous they don't have you. I would be the same, if I wasn't such a lucky girl.

When you're on your game, no one can stop you. When allowed, you were able to overpower and shut down some of the biggest names. I wish that Carlyle, the producer, would loosen up his matchup style and let you play your game, because I don't think you've reached your peak yet. You're a young man with so much more room to grow.

Though, I fear that you're not ready to assume the final rose. This was your first year as an assistant bachelor, and you rose to the occasion (pun fully intended). While you were always the social butterfly, you pretty much chatted my ear off, and those of the officials. So much talking can't be a way to win favor with the stripes, or me for that matter. I'm also hesitant to give you the rose because you were given it once before in juniors, and it was taken away. I believe that you've grown since then, but your lack of discipline on occasion hints back to those earlier days.

--On a side note, you're two years younger than me. So, does this make me a cougar for going after you? I should research that.--

[Jen stands up, pulls a frozen rose from the humidifier thing in the penalty box, and faces the men]

Ryan and Saku, I've made my decision...

[Dramatic pause. Cut to commercial for tampons, Activia, and bladder control medication. Return to Jen repeating previous line, this time, with mascara oozing down her face]

Ryan and Saku, I've made my decision (sniff)...

Saku, will you accept this rose and be the captain of my love boat?

[Cut to shot of Jen, as makeup people desperately attempt to fix her makeup]

With Scotty out of the picture, I knew I wasn't ready to hand over the reigns to such a young, but emerging, leader. I trust that Saku will be able to work with Ryan to one day assume command.

I know that Ryan and I are soul mates, but he's just not ready yet. Give me time with Saku while I wait for Ryan. It may sound horrible, like I'm playing the two men, but really? My 15 minutes of fame can't end here. I've got to consider MY future success and happiness.