Arth-nac The Magnificent: Episode 1

by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Aug 11, 2010 4:25 AM PDT in Coach Bombay's Corner

ARTHUR:
The benefit of having this blog, perhaps the primary motivation for starting it, is that I can make off-the-wall predictions and then have them available in black and white for me to lord over ~~Daniel~~ people.

For example, if the Ducks ice a line of Kariya-Koivu-Selanne next year, I'll be quick to point out that in May of 2009, months before anyone tied Koivu to the Ducks, I said this:

Ideally, Koivu comes in at a discount (3/3.75M) on a one-year deal to play with Selanne.

and in March of 2009, more than a year before anyone tied Kariya to the Ducks, I said this:

I think fate will decide. It's a bit of serendipity that, like they were in 2003, both Kariya and Selanne will be UFA's at the end of next season.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a psychic, and this is my associate, Ovaltine Jenkins. I've selfishly kept my gift from the world, but I'm determined to make things right. So, from now on, I will exercise my powers of presti-divination for your amusement.

I hold in my hand these envelopes. These envelopes are hermetically sealed. They've been wrapped in hockey tape in Sluggo's trunk since noon today and NO ONE could possibly know the questions contained in these envelopes. However, I, using my borderline mystical ways, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions. (Editor's Note: if you don't remember Carnac, just humor me and pretend you do. Don't make old people feel old; it cheapens us all.)

We begin after the jump...

The 1st Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Offsides. The answer is: offsides.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"Where are Ryan Getzlaf's ears relative to his hairline?"

The 2nd Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Four more years.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"What phrase does Barack Obama hear in his dreams and Bobby Ryan hear in his nightmares?"

The 3rd Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Shorthanded situation

[opens the envelope and reads]
"Describe the Ducks' defensive corps for next season."

The 4th Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Corey Perry, Jason Blake and the Power Players

[opens the envelope and reads]
"In ascending order, who has the most disturbing facial hair in the Ducks organization?"

The 5th Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
A two drink minimum.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"What is the per diem in Kyle Palmieri's contract?"

The 6th Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Donuts.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughbuy bends over?"

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Comments

I love you so much for being a Psych fan.

by BuckyHermit on Aug 11, 2010 6:08 AM PDT reply actions

Haha. They occasionally let their Vancouver filming locale get the better of them i.e. they went to Japa Dog this season and made me hungry for a food I cannot obtain without a passport. Shows set in California never do that to me

Anaheim Calling

by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Aug 11, 2010 10:16 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions

I love the psych references.One of these days I hope they’ll drop a true california reference like In N Out

by tohon on Aug 11, 2010 1:44 PM PDT up reply actions

Or they could do a Santa Barbara original, The Habit.

by Wooster11 on Aug 11, 2010 2:27 PM PDT up reply actions

I’ve only lived in the inland Empire, I’m not current on Santa Barbara food establishments. I could hat dropped The Hat and their excellent pastrami’s, but I’d definitely be showing my geographical limits

by tohon on Aug 11, 2010 6:06 PM PDT up reply actions

I only mention Santa Barbara since the show is supposed to take place there.

By the way, they have a Habit in La Verne, so not too crazy far from the IE. That’s probably your best bet. Or, before a Ducks game you could hit the one up in Santa Ana or Fullerton.

by Wooster11 on Aug 13, 2010 2:50 PM PDT up reply actions

OH GOD the Habit. I went there Sunday during fiesta.

by Mudhippy on Aug 11, 2010 8:31 PM PDT up reply actions

If you ever come up to Vancouver, I’ll show you around the Psych locations like the agency offices. :)

by BuckyHermit on Aug 11, 2010 4:16 PM PDT up reply actions

Hahaha. Oh my gosh.

[holds the envelope to his head]
Offsides. The answer is: offsides.

[opens the envelope and reads]
“Where are Ryan Getzlaf’s ears relative to his hairline?”

Too damn funny!

Thank you for sharing your gift with us Arthur. It truly is a blessing to get a glimpse of your extreme abilities.

by JasonF on Aug 11, 2010 6:13 AM PDT reply actions

whats that clip from?

by kvd123 on Aug 11, 2010 9:23 AM PDT reply actions

Psych. It’s a show about a hyper-observant ne’er do well who pretends to be a psychic to get a job as a consultant with the Santa Barbra police department. Only two major references above: Carnac and Psych. I figured I had both demographics covered.

Anaheim Calling

by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Aug 11, 2010 10:23 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions

Lame and thanks for nothing

What is your address, so we can send you a collective turd in a bag for jinxing us with your psychic bad karma??

by Buick22 on Aug 11, 2010 9:46 AM PDT reply actions

By “lame” I assume you mean “old.”. I’m sorry you don’t remember Johnny. It’s not meant to be edgy; I’m the editor here, not the resident humorous. And honestly, even if it wasn’t the offseason, I would never apologize for sending up a Carson bit

Anaheim Calling

by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Aug 11, 2010 10:33 AM PDT via mobile up reply actions

humorist, that is. Damn iphone spell check.

Anaheim Calling

by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Aug 11, 2010 10:44 AM PDT up reply actions

No, I remember Johnny very well, he would kill with about 2/3 of his predictions, some were just bad….I wasn’t slamming how funny you were or weren’t….just that making fun of your own players is bad karma….we don’t need any bad karma….that’s all. How about Card: “I like our chances the next two years” Answer: What Bobby Ryan and Willie Mitchell say at their joint (Ducks) press conference to sum up the end of free agency….. I can hope?

by Buick22 on Aug 12, 2010 10:17 AM PDT up reply actions

the point of late night humor was to run commentary on the news, including stars that got in trouble and the White House. Alternatively, Johnny would throw in a scatological joke, and that is why I finish with the Donuts line. I couldn’t possibly capture the feeling of Carnac if I didn’t take a shot at the stars in Ducks news.

And really, I wouldn’t want to. I won’t say there’s anything particularly “American” about criticizing those who are apparently above reproach (especially when bad magumbo is at stake), but it’s certainly embraced in American culture all the way back to political satire dividing the Tories and the Whigs. Of the reasons I shouldn’t have done this, criticizing people you are not supposed to criticize could not have been farther from my consideration. No one is above criticism, and if this post bred that feeling, then I think that’s a good thing. I want this site to be a place where nothing is off limits, the Ducks fan equivalent of the barber shop.

Anaheim Calling

by Arthur from Anaheim Calling on Aug 12, 2010 10:45 AM PDT up reply actions