Arth-nac The Magnificent: Episode 1

ARTHUR:
The benefit of having this blog, perhaps the primary motivation for starting it, is that I can make off-the-wall predictions and then have them available in black and white for me to lord over Daniel people.

For example, if the Ducks ice a line of Kariya-Koivu-Selanne next year, I'll be quick to point out that in May of 2009, months before anyone tied Koivu to the Ducks, I said this:

Ideally, Koivu comes in at a discount (3/3.75M) on a one-year deal to play with Selanne.

and in March of 2009, more than a year before anyone tied Kariya to the Ducks, I said this:

I think fate will decide. It's a bit of serendipity that, like they were in 2003, both Kariya and Selanne will be UFA's at the end of next season.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a psychic, and this is my associate, Ovaltine Jenkins. I've selfishly kept my gift from the world, but I'm determined to make things right. So, from now on, I will exercise my powers of presti-divination for your amusement.

I hold in my hand these envelopes. These envelopes are hermetically sealed. They've been wrapped in hockey tape in Sluggo's trunk since noon today and NO ONE could possibly know the questions contained in these envelopes. However, I, using my borderline mystical ways, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions. (Editor's Note: if you don't remember Carnac, just humor me and pretend you do. Don't make old people feel old; it cheapens us all.)

We begin after the jump...

The 1st Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Offsides. The answer is: offsides.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"Where are Ryan Getzlaf's ears relative to his hairline?"

The 2nd Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Four more years.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"What phrase does Barack Obama hear in his dreams and Bobby Ryan hear in his nightmares?"

The 3rd Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Shorthanded situation

[opens the envelope and reads]
"Describe the Ducks' defensive corps for next season."

The 4th Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Corey Perry, Jason Blake and the Power Players

[opens the envelope and reads]
"In ascending order, who has the most disturbing facial hair in the Ducks organization?"

The 5th Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
A two drink minimum.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"What is the per diem in Kyle Palmieri's contract?"

The 6th Envelope

[holds the envelope to his head]
Donuts.

[opens the envelope and reads]
"What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughbuy bends over?"

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