How I Spent My Summer Vacation

JEN:
Link & Zelda. Ken & Barbie. Brad & Angelina. He-Man & She-Ra. And now the next greatest power couple(?) - Earl & Jen. Ok, so we're not technically a "couple," but it helps get my point across. Anyhoo, Earl Sleek, resident Ducks fan (and dare I say genius??) at BoC, and yours truly have teamed up this week to do to a little investigative journalism. We phoned up a couple Ducks, like we always do (DUH), and found out what they did during their extra long summer vacation. I think you'll be surprised with some of the answers.

(Editor's Note for humorless readers: the passages below are not actual quotes. Any resemblance to thoughts experienced or expressed by the persons named is purely coincidental and wholly hilarious).

Ryan Getzlaf -- I got totally married this summer, and it was an awesome ceremony. Well, it was going to be a totally awesome ceremony, but then this wedding referee came up to us and started giving us all these vows and crap. It was totally lame. I tried to explain to him about my Stanley Cup and my Gold Medal and how he was way less significant than me, but he kept insisting that he was the authority here. I hate referees, man -- I don't know if people know that about me.

The only other problem with the ceremony was my wife, who got really pissed off when I mistakenly called her "Corey Perry" during the vows. I mean, that's a compliment, right? She's my new crease-crashing winger. Except of course when Corey's around. Hey, maybe I should give him a call...

Teemu Selanne -- I don't know what big deal is with me. I play. I don't. Not like Saku and Toni had to get on helicopter and come to Helsinki. I knew I would play again, but I had to wait for one thing - a phone call that never came. I do not get nickname "Finnish Flash" from hockey. It come from ballroom. You see, my favorite TV show is "Dancing with the Stars." They had no hockey player on there yet, and I hoped to be first. I was waiting to be offered a spot to dance, but no, they no want Teemu.

So, I went for plan B, like Blues Brothers, I want to get band back together! Saku already signed for two years. Next was getting back my little buddy Paul. We talk all the time. Yet, Paul hid something from me. He was still getting those headaches, like back in the time. Hope those get better so we can team up again.

In Finnish-ing (you see what I did there?!) , this is my last season...hehe...one day I learn to say that with straight face.

Luca Sbisa -- I spent my summer back in Switzerland, hanging out with Jonas Hiller. Let me tell you, that guy is übergeschnappt! Oh, whoops! I forgot to mention -- I speak four languages fluently, and sometimes I tend to randonnée incohérent. Anyways, we spent a week together at a lakefront caccia albergo, hunting for biberpelz and fishing for sirène. It was tutto esilarante.

After that, I went back to pfand übungen, because I really want a quotidiennement travail with the Anatre squadra next season. I really hope Dictateur Carlyle gives me an opportunity for überwältigend erfolg!

Bobby Ryan - Such a chill summer, bud. Skipping the playoffs was a bummer, but the cool part was Getzy and I got to act in a video for the NHL awards. Nobody watches the awards, but we became a hit on YouTube. Sick, right? Yeah, except now everyone keeps calling me "Silver", but that's ok... when Kim Kardashian says it. Whatever. I still have better hair.

Let's see...not much else to talk about really. Listened to a lot of great music, jammed with Lupul, golfed with Fester, opened a Twitter account...hmm...oh yeah, bud, there was that contract thing. I tried to stay out of it and this and that. I'm happy to be in The OC for the next five, but I did originally want three. Why? Because the Jersey Shore casts' contracts are up in three years, not for that UFA business. I'd get to move home, star in a hit reality show at the beach, and I can get my music out on MTV. Trifecta, bud. Let's see Golden Getzy top that.

Randy Carlyle - Oh, is it time for hockey again? Great. I was just getting the stench of those rookies Murph made me play at the end out of my clothes. Now I hear I've got to use a bunch of them if we want to win. Who do I look like, Charlie Estevez, or whatever the hell that guy's name is? Hrmph, I just don't want to listen to those kids whine about ice time. Back in my time, you were lucky if the coach didn't stab you in the jugular with a skate for missing a line change. Wait. Why the hell am I still talking to you? Get off my lawn, you damn kids.

Bob Murray -- Well, an NHL general manager never gets much of a summer vacation -- first there's the entry draft, then free agency, then training camps and setting up depth charts, plus this year I have Scotty Niedermayer constantly nagging me to "show him some GM stuff". But I do have one secret passion for the odd moments when I can get away from the job -- I create still-life paintings in my studio garage back home. It's really just a hobby, but I think my meager skills are improving.

This summer, as I was negotiating contracts with defenseman James Wisniewski, I brought him over to the place to check out some of my recent pieces -- Barstool next to Shattered Mirror, Barstool next to Broken Television, Inexplicably Bloody Barstool -- but I guess he didn't like them very much. He just laughed and said I should get some professional help. Well, I showed him -- within 24 hours he was a New York Islander. Take that, you hack of an art critic!

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