On Thursday evening, the NHL officially released details on The Ducks' Guardian after a harrowing (maybe?) battle with the Guardians of other NHL cities. Since the Ducks' Guardian (appropriately named "The Duck") will become irrelevant after this weekend's All-Star Game, I was able to secure an exclusive interview (but not really).
Thanks for sitting down with me. I know you're busy "protecting the Southern California coast" or whatever.
The Duck: No problem, babe.
J: Don't call me babe. At first, I thought you were a picture of me, when I had short blonde hair, wearing a black Wild Wing mask.
TD: Don't be jelly that my hair is natural blonde and I can see your brown roots.
J: You're kind of an ass. Makes sense, though. On the ice, the guys on the team tend to...
TD: Wait. I thought we were going talk about me.
J: Ugh. Right. Here we go...so what's your name?
TD: Samuel Ellie Anaheim. Although I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.
J: Didn't you hear my intro? You'll be irrelevant after this weekend. It doesn't matter. Moving on. Your bio says that you're a "rebel with a trust fund." That sounds pretty douchey. You obviously didn't earn your money, so how'd your family come into the cash.
TD: Whatever, breezy. My money comes from my dad - Walter Dennis Anaheim. His friends call him Walt Dizzy because of his untreated case of vertigo he got after riding an amusement park ride. He sued them and won...
J: I'm guessing he invested the cash and made a boatload of money.
TD: Peroxide from your hair leaking into your brain? No, you're wrong, Miss Know-It-All. Don't interrupt.
J: Yeah, I'm really starting to dislike you.
TD: You'd still do me.
J: Wait. Yup. I just threw up. Keep going with your story.
TD: As I was saying, my dad had fat stacks and decided to invest his money in his passion - bird watching. I think he, like, invented the Audubon society or some ish like that. That's where he met my mom - Allie Moreno or as my dad called her back then, "Angel." Anyways, my mom's favorite birds are ducks. He created a duck call just for her and it caught on with other bird enthusiasts. He made decent cash through bird freaks, but nothing substantial.
J: You said your dad called your mom Angel back then. Did she pass away?
TD: Hell no. She left my dad for a guy that makes gigantic signs for a living. I was 12 when she left. Really screwed up my family.
J: I'm so sorry. That's awful.
TD: You, like, can't wait to bang me, now, huh?
J: (Roll eyes)
TD: I'm right...Yeah, that was a dick move by my mom. So much so that it turned my dad into a total prick. He hated birds, especially ducks. He ended up selling his duck calls to hunters across the world. He made billions.
J: That's kind of morbid.
TD: That's the reason I am single for life. Best kind of girl is the one that leaves in the morning.
J: Are you sure weren't created from the liquid on the floor of most Huntington Beach bars' bathrooms?
TD: You're into chicks, huh?
J: Wait. What? No, I'm not. Just because I'm not into you...why am I arguing with a grown man in a duck costume?
TD: Watch it now. Not a duck costume. Bio-suit, sweetie.
J: Right. Bio-suit. I can't believe an idiot like you built this himself.
TD: That time of the month? I did build this. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from MIT motha (expletive deleted) with a degree in engineering. Had so much fun banging college girls, I went back and got my Masters in Thermodynamics and a Ph. D. in my newly created field of Aquadynamic Engineering.
J: Never heard of it.
TD: No duh. What part of "newly created field" do you not understand? I can basically manipulate water to do what I want. Some call me a "genius." I call me a "P.I.M.P."
J: So you're telling me you're Aquaman?
TD: Do I look like that clown? Child please.
J: Obviously one of your influences is the great philosopher Chad Ochocinco. I've never felt less safe in all my life. I'll stick to the Coast Guard and Navy protecting me.
TD: You don't look like the girls I'd protect, or at least make a concerted effort to protect, anyways. Maybe a few enhancements and then we'll move you up on the list.
J: Eww. Let's just end this. Thanks for the interview, but I hope to never see you again after Sunday.
TD: What are you and your girlfriend doing later?
J: GO AWAY. I'm done.