Investigative Report: Cosmo's 30 Hottest NHL Players

Really, Cosmo?! You left THIS off the list??

Last week, Cosmopolitan magazine published a list of the of the 'Hottest Guys of the NHL'. One player from each team was selected by the magazine to represent their team as the 'hottest', and let me tell you, the results were shocking.

Male hockey fans are given something to look at on the ice when their favorite team isn't playing - ice girls. Obviously, female hockey fans aren't the NHL's target market. I mean, where are our half-naked, beautiful-bodied men and their swimsuit calendars? The most female hockey fans get is the 'Body Issue' from ESPN the Magazine once a year, where one or two NHLers are selected to be photographed in their almost-naked glory.

Cosmo should be applauded for their effort in compiling this list. I say 'effort' because their picks were rather farsighted. We, the women of Anaheim Calling (me, SK and Kristen), watch A LOT of hockey and know that there are many other players that should have been on this list. We felt that it was our duty to conduct an anthropological study based on the magazine's selections and we are here to deliver our results. Each of us independently determined whether the player Cosmo selected is 'hot or not', who should have been considered instead, and our scholarly notes on each for use in later studies.

First up, SK!

SARA'S RESULTS:

Team Player Hot or Not? How'd You Miss... Comments
Washington Capitals Mike Green NOT Brooks Laich, Braden Holtby I don't even understand a world in which there is a hot list that Laich is not on, yet Green is. Madness. This really puts the rest of the list into question. And that Holtby just came out of nowhere, but I don't mind it one bit.
San Jose Sharks Antti Niemi NOT Someone from the other team they are playing at that moment. Maybe they'll trade for someone hot in the offseason.
Nashville Predators Mike Fisher HOT Shea Weber He, like many others on this list, make it hot just by being so skilled. I do prefer a clean faced Weber though.
Carolina Hurricanes Cam Ward NOT Tim Brent He was cute when he was with Anaheim!
Philadelphia Flyers Wayne Simmonds NOT Sean Couturier Some serious cradle robbing going on here. Couturier was the best I could come up with.
Winnipeg Jets Andrew Ladd NOT Tanner Glass Maybe it's the name...that's a pretty awesomely outrageous name.
Florida Panthers Kris Versteeg NOT Scottie Upshall, Erik Gudbranson While searching for Florida's "hotties" I also came across Nolan Yonkman...who's playing for their affiliate at the moment.
New Jersey Devils Zach Parise HOT Ryan Carter I, like Jen, love me some Zach Parise...but I'll always love me some Ryan Carter.
New York Rangers Henrik Lundqvist HOT Brian Boyle, Brandon Dubinsky Something about Boyle on 24/7 had me hooked. Like the guy next door you fall for one day and you have no reason why (except the whole great hockey player/awesome family man thing he's totally got working for him)! And Dubinsky's eyebrows, unlike Marleau's, are awesome.
Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby HOT Paul Martin Go ahead, lie to me and tell me the skills Crosby posses doesn't make him automatically hot. And I LOVE Paul Martin, he's in my top 10 hot hockey players. Whatever, judge me all you want.
Phoenix Coyotes Shane Doan NOT Taylor Pyatt I'd like to just have a few minutes with that guy in the penalty box. Just to stare at him.
Los Angeles Kings Dustin Brown NOT EVEN CLOSE Jeff Carter I think Carters scar works here...but that's about it cause I'm thinking the guy might not be all that awesome. And Brown, oh boy...NOT.
Anaheim Ducks Bobby Ryan HOT Teemu Selanne, Cam Fowler Selanne is sexier than he was 20 years ago. And that hair. I mean, how could you not? As for Fowler, it's the innocence, you just gotta...
Vancouver Canucks Ryan Kesler HOT There are other guys on that team? Okay, Samuel Pahlsson. Did you SEE the body issue? I don't need to say more.
Minnesota Wild Mikko Koivu Justin Falk I'm just glad they didn't suggest Heatly.
Edmonton Oilers Ales Hemsky NOT Jordan Eberle What can I say, that damn gap gets me every time!
Colorado Avalanche Matt Duchene NOT Shane O'Brien Speaking of teeth, the yellowing of Duchene's are awful. And...I'm a little annoyed I had to pick O'Brien here.
Calgary Flames Mike Cammalleri NOT Jarome Iginla Again, we gotta go with skills that make you sexy.
St. Louis Blues T.J. Oshie NOT ...umm... The first round match-up between St. Louis and San Jose was one UGLY FEST!
Detroit Red Wings Nicklas Lidstrom HOT Cory Emmerton Lisdstrom is hot in a "I hate you for your greatness and those blue eyes" kind of way. And yea, I've never heard of Cory Emmerton either.
Columbus Blue Jackets Rick Nash HOT Jared Boll Nash's size and skill once again is a great reason to have him on this list. Plus, he's just...yum. Jared Boll has those Getzlaf like eyebrows. Seriously, what's with the NHL and brows?!
Chicago Blackhawks Patrick Sharp HOT Jonathan Toews Sharp has that manly sex appeal, but there's something about the whole Captain Serious thing that just works.
Tampa Bay Lightning Martin St. Louis NOT Steven Stamkos I'm sorry, you score 60 in a season and you've got to work real hard not to make the "hot" list. Unless you're Ovechkin. Plus I love those rosey cheeks!
Montreal Canadiens Max Pacioretty NOT Carey Price There's an "awful" lot of eyebrows on this team. Don't be surprised if Marleau joins them next year.
Toronto Maple Leafs Mikhail Grabovski NOT Matthew Lombardi, David Steckel Hey, at least Toronto is better than other teams at something. Although, they have arguably the uglies dude in the NHL with Dion Phaneuf.
Ottawa Senators Erik Karlsson NOT Kyle Turris I had to go with Turris, he seems like the dorky guy who finally got a break with the head cheerleader.
Buffalo Sabres Jason Pominville NOT Tyler Myers Myers is tall, I love tall.
Boston Bruins Milan Lucic HOT Tyler Seguin The other day I was watching Boston play and Lucic was going to be "getting some time in the box" and I thought to myself...(I probably shouldn't finish this statement, huh?!). And Seguin, what's one more cradle?
New York Islanders John Tavares NOT Rick Dipietro Tavares and the crossed eyed look just doesn't cut it for me. Wait, does Dipietro still play on the Island? Oh, yea, that's right.
Dallas Stars Brenden Morrow NOT Loui Eriksson It's the rosy cheeks, I can't help it.


KRISTEN'S RESULTS:

Team Player Hot or Not? How'd You Miss... Comments
Washington Capitals Mike Green NOT Alex Semin His uneven play and slap fights have been subjects of ridicule, but he's been consistently attractive for a while.
San Jose Sharks Antti Niemi NOT Ryane Clowe The extra 'e' in his name is a little strange, but he's not bad looking.
Nashville Predators Mike Fisher HOT Craig Smith He's a rookie, and he's pretty.
Carolina Hurricanes Cam Ward NOT Pat Dwyer I wanted to pick someone who wasn't Baby Jeff.
Philadelphia Flyers Wayne Simmonds HOT Claude Giroux Cosmo's original list had quite a few questionable choices, but I'm glad that they picked Simmer. With all of the hate that he's been subjected to this season, it's nice to see him get some love. That being said, no discussion of the Flyers is complete without acknowledging their fearless ginger leader.
Winnipeg Jets Andrew Ladd HOT Nik Antropov NEEDS EVEN MOAR RUSSIANS/KAZAKHS. (And Antropov is lovely).
Florida Panthers Kris Versteeg NOT Erik Gudbranson Versteeg seems like a cool guy (based on all of those Cabbie interviews that I've watched), but Gudbranson wins.
New Jersey Devils Zach Parise HOT Can't disagree here. Parise is the (beautiful) face of American hockey.
New York Rangers Henrik Lundqvist HOT Carl Hagelin, Stu Bickel Henrik Lundqvist has always looked more like a male model than an NHL goaltender, and the Rangers probably have the best looking roster in the league. Rookie and Michigan alum Hagelin (yay college hockey) has beautiful flow and incredible wheels, and defenseman/enforcer Bickel is surprisingly attractive despite the number of punches that he takes to the face. Brandon Prust, Dan Girardi, and Chris Kreider are honorable mentions.
Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby NOT Jordan Staal If you've been watching hockey over the past week, you've seen Sidney Crosby embarass himself. That's not hot, and it shows a lot about his character. At least Jordan Staal contributed productively on the ice during the Pens-Flyers series, and managed to evade a major suspension/press meltdown.
Phoenix Coyotes Shane Doan NOT Paul Bissonette You can never go wrong with BizNasty.
Los Angeles Kings Dustin Brown NOT Davis Drewiske I almost went with the Dynamic Duo of Richards and Carter, but Drewiske seems less sleazy (and in a strange way, kind of looks like the love child of Richie and Carts).
Anaheim Ducks Bobby Ryan HOT Jonas Hiller Jonas is the hardest working man in hockey business.
Vancouver Canucks Ryan Kesler HOT Chris Higgins' Abs Can we nominate body parts for the Hart Trophy?
Minnesota Wild Mikko Koivu NOT Jared Spurgeon Spurgeon isn't a head turner, but he has a pensive, brooding look, and could've been an extra in any of the eight Harry Potter films. That's a plus in my book.
Edmonton Oilers Ales Hemsky NOT Jordan Eberle Like SK, I'm a big fan of the gap.
Colorado Avalanche Matt Duchene HOT Gabriel Landeskog Landeskog was filming a fluff piece for NHL.com in a Toronto shopping mall when he was approached by a representative from Ford Models. 'Nuff said.
Calgary Flames Mike Cammalleri HOT Jarome Iginla Cammalleri is attractive, but choosing him over Iggy is a travesty.
St. Louis Blues T.J. Oshie HOT David Backes Inglorious Backes is handsome and a Selke finalist. Congrats to him!
Detroit Red Wings Nicklas Lidstrom HOT This one is right on the money.
Columbus Blue Jackets Rick Nash HOT Shawn Hunwick Nikita Filatov? Antoine Vermette? Jeff Carter? Columbus seems to have parted ways with most of its 'hot' guys, but Nash and Hunwick are adorable.
Chicago Blackhawks Patrick Sharp HOT Jonathan Toews He puts his team on his back every night, and looks great doing it.
Tampa Bay Lightning Martin St. Louis HOT Steven Stamkos Stamkos is closer to my age, and he scores lots of goals. A winning combination!
Montreal Canadiens Max Pacioretty NOT Carey Price Carey Price has swagger, poise, and could potentially be Canada's number one goalie in Sochi. And he's a cowboy.
Toronto Maple Leafs Mikhail Grabovski NOT Luke Schenn Grabovski is a solid center and a funny guy, but Schenn is a stunning man (even if his play was uneven this year).
Ottawa Senators Erik Karlsson HOT Also right on the money. Have you seen the gif of Karlsson running his fingers through his hair? Straight men/lesbians: It's kind of like watching Kate Upton dance in a bikini.
Buffalo Sabres Jason Pominville NOT Marcus Foligno Ducks connection FTW.
Boston Bruins Milan Lucic NOT Tyler Seguin Lucic is a talented power forward, but his on-ice shenanigans are a turnoff. Seguin is charming, has incredible wheels, and is developing into a very good two-way forward.
New York Islanders John Tavares HOT I like his eyes.
Dallas Stars Brenden Morrow NOT Loui Eriksson Loui 'Duck Killer' Eriksson isn't conventionally attractive, but I find him strangely mesmerizing.

JEN'S RESULTS:

Team Player Hot or Not? How'd You Miss... Comments
Washington Capitals Mike Green NOT Brooks Laitch Mike Green always looks like he has NOTHING going on in his brain. And did you see him during 24/7? He dressed like he belonged in LA with all the other ironicly dressed people. As for Laitch, gorgeous blue eyes and he's noble!
San Jose Sharks Antti Niemi NOT I've got nothing Niemi looks like a chubby Bobby Ryan. Picking a replacement for him was tough. They have a lot of weird looking guys on their team.
Nashville Predators Mike Fisher HOT Shea Weber I saw Shea Weber in person at the NHL Awards. He's beautiful.
Carolina Hurricanes Cam Ward NOT Jeff Skinner? Skinner is cute. Kinda feel like I'm robbing the cradle here. I rode in the elevator with him and his family at the NHL awards. He looks like he's 12. This is awkward
Philadelphia Flyers Wayne Simmonds HOT Brayden Schenn Once he washed the stink of the Kings off of him, he automatically became more attractive.
Winnipeg Jets Andrew Ladd NOT Zach Bogosian It's a Zach thing (Morris, Parise, Bogosian, etc.)
Florida Panthers Kris Versteeg NOT Scottie Upshall I had no idea that both Kris Versteeg and Scottie Upshall were on Florida. I thought Upshall was still on Phoenix (or possibly Columbus) and injured
New Jersey Devils Zach Parise HOT No one. Zach is perfect. Can you be arrested for stalking on the other side of the country?
New York Rangers Henrik Lundqvist HOT Brian Boyle Henrik is impossibly beautiful. No man should ever be prettier than his lady. I kind of fell in love with Boyle during 24/7. He was wasted while dressed as Buddy the Elf and he loves his gigantic family.
Pittsburgh Penguins Sidney Crosby HOT James Neal Once Sid cut his mullet and grew up, yes please. Not with the pubes on his upper lip though. Neal is cute with his bed head. I mainly picked him because if we got married, all I'd have to do is drop the 'E' on my last name or I'd hyphenate it to be funny Jen Neale-Neal.
Phoenix Coyotes Shane Doan NOT Taylor Pyatt I defy any woman to say no to his clear blue eyes. Panty dropper
Los Angeles Kings Dustin Brown NOT I'm allergic to douches Dustin Brown looks like an animal and I can't figure out which one. A bear of some sort?
Anaheim Ducks Bobby Ryan HOT Teemu Selanne Bobby is cute (needs some ProActive), but not necessarily hot. That is absolutely saved for Teemu. He has aged like a fine wine and is completely charming. Even guys will admit that Teemu has it going on. Considered: Saku Koivu and George Parros,
Vancouver Canucks Ryan Kesler HOT Maxim Lapierre, Sammy Pahlsson He was a Duck for about 5 minutes. He looks like a guy that would punch your grandma in the face, but some reason, he's really attractive to me. Sammy was the beautiful face of the '07 Grind Line (with Travis Moen & Rob Neidermayer)
Minnesota Wild Mikko Koivu NOT Clayton Stoner I prefer a different Koivu
Edmonton Oilers Ales Hemsky NOT This is one bad looking team - on and off the ice. (Please see comments to the left)
Colorado Avalanche Matt Duchene NOT Gabriel Landeskog Landeskog was another one I felt uncomfortable picking. I was 9 when he was born.
Calgary Flames Mike Cammalleri NOT Jarome Iginla Cammalleri is listed as 5'9" on the roster, which actually means he's 5'6". I am 5'8". If I can see the top of your head, it's not a good thing. As for Iginla, there just something sexy about him
St. Louis Blues T.J. Oshie NOT Andy McDonald I have a thing for centers. Andy Mac was my first 'new' Ducks jersey. So what if his neck is wider than his face/head? He's adorbs.
Detroit Red Wings Nicklas Lidstrom HOT Valtteri Filppula Nicky is another one that I saw at the NHL Awards and it happened to be at the hotel pool. Good thing I was in the water because the drool on my face would be evident. Best body out there and he was surrounded by a couple young NHLers.
Columbus Blue Jackets Rick Nash NOT Brett Lebda Who else was I going to pick on this team? Jack Johnson?
Chicago Blackhawks Patrick Sharp HOT No one. I'm still staring at pictures of Sharp Sharp is classically handsome, like Jon Hamm, and he has great hair.
Tampa Bay Lightning Martin St. Louis NOT Steve Yzerman & Julien BriseBois. I'm going front office on this biatch! Really, Cosmo? St. Louis? 1) He's a Lady Byng winner, so I could take him in a fight. 2) He's 4'5". Not Stamkos, sorry SK & Kristen. All his features are smushed to the center of his face.
Montreal Canadiens Max Pacioretty NOT Carey Price Ummm, did no one see Price at the All-Star Game? Not only was he hilarious, he was gorgeous. He shouldn't hide that face behind a mask. Ok maybe he should play in a clear helmet. I think Pacioretty was a sympathy vote from Cosmo for almost losing is face last year thanks to Chara
Toronto Maple Leafs Mikhail Grabovski NOT Ugh...Joffrey Lupul Compared to his teammates, he's the best the Leafs have.
Ottawa Senators Erik Karlsson NOT NONE! This team is full of men with oddly shaped heads Karlsson looks like he'd take longer to get ready in the morning than me. Every time I see him he has permanently wet hair.
Buffalo Sabres Jason Pominville NOT Marcus Foligno Pominville has a case of a the 'Getzlaf's'.
Boston Bruins Milan Lucic NOT Patrice Bergeron People that resemble a hairy Shrek are not my type. Also, Lucic's crazy girlfriend scares me.
New York Islanders John Tavares NOT Rick DiPietro So what if DiPietro is made of glass and incites goalie fights he can't win?!
Dallas Stars Brenden Morrow NOT Sheldon Souray Souray was married to a Supermodel, right? I can't imagine he'd get a hot girl without being good looking, unless he's hiding something down in his...nevermind.

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