JEN:
On Thursday evening, the NHL officially released details on The Ducks' Guardian after a harrowing (maybe?) battle with the Guardians of other NHL cities. Since the Ducks' Guardian (appropriately named "The Duck") will become irrelevant after this weekend's All-Star Game, I was able to secure an exclusive interview (but not really).

Thanks for sitting down with me. I know you're busy "protecting the Southern California coast" or whatever.

The Duck: No problem, babe.

J: Don't call me babe. At first, I thought you were a picture of me, when I had short blonde hair, wearing a black Wild Wing mask.

TD: Don't be jelly that my hair is natural blonde and I can see your brown roots.

J: You're kind of an ass. Makes sense, though. On the ice, the guys on the team tend to...

TD: Wait. I thought we were going talk about me.

J: Ugh. Right. Here we go...so what's your name?

TD: Samuel Ellie Anaheim. Although I don't think I was supposed to tell you that.

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JEN:
The more I read about it, the more I like the new All-Star format.

I think it's a great thing for the NHL to take the initiative amongst all the major league sports to recreate the All-Star experience for fans and players. In all leagues, the All-Star break has become somewhat of a chore to the players - most skip the event all together to rest nagging injuries. In honor of what could possibly be an exciting All-Star draft, I've decided to create my own two sets of teams to take the ice - Heroes vs. Villains. Let me define MY terms to make one of these teams:

A Heroes player is a character guy on (for the most part) and off the ice - a white knight, if you will. Many of the Heroes are very active with charities, open and available to fans, and are amongst the league leaders in their respective positions. Some of the guys just have great stories attached to their legacies.

A Villains player is based a lot on reputation. They may have charities and are great players, but on and/or off ice activities have tended to distract from those aspects. Special consideration was taken if a player has done anything to my Ducks in any way.

For both teams, I have justified my selections. Feel free to create your own teams in the comments. And don't focus on who I left off because it's not all about stats. Let's get a draftin'...

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JEN:
Link & Zelda. Ken & Barbie. Brad & Angelina. He-Man & She-Ra. And now the next greatest power couple(?) - Earl & Jen. Ok, so we're not technically a "couple," but it helps get my point across. Anyhoo, Earl Sleek, resident Ducks fan (and dare I say genius??) at BoC, and yours truly have teamed up this week to do to a little investigative journalism. We phoned up a couple Ducks, like we always do (DUH), and found out what they did during their extra long summer vacation. I think you'll be surprised with some of the answers.

(Editor's Note for humorless readers: the passages below are not actual quotes. Any resemblance to thoughts experienced or expressed by the persons named is purely coincidental and wholly hilarious).

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JEN:
Here's a little something to brighten your day...

So I was sitting around studying last night when a random idea hit me (like usual). What could be better than combining two of my guiltiest pleasures - Bobby Ryan and The Jersey Shore - to illustrate BR's current contract negotiations? Seeing as Sir Bobby is from Jersey, it seemed only right to combine him with The Situation.

Hope this gives everyone a little laugh while we nervously await the next move from Murray. And I hope the next picture we see of Bobby is him wearing a shirt - a Ducks shirt.

A special THANK YOU goes out to Alex at Pucking Awesome for his unbelievable Photoshop skills and for not thinking I was crazy when I pitched the idea.

XOXO - J

JEN:

OMG. I need this off-season to be a little more BORING. Seeing as I'm a blogger now (in the loosest sense of the word), finding topics to write about each week is becoming increasingly difficult. What I wouldn't give to be at PensBurgh or Raw Charge right now...but, I love me some Ducks, so here could be my oddest post yet.

Like a lot Ducks fans out there, we fell in love with the team as kids by watching the Mighty Ducks movies. Hell, those movies are the reasons our team was brought to Anaheim, so I figured the least I could do was pay homage to the series by re-casting the films using the current-ish Ducks' roster. For those of you not of my generation, or not as well versed in the movies, I've included many YouTube clips so you get what I'm talking about.

While I pick and choose parts from all three movies, I focused mainly on D2 for a couple reasons. First, it's my favorite. It gave us such classic scenes like a distraction in a fire in a barrel and the most inspiring intermission speech ever (Jen! Costa Mesa, California. Ducks fly together!) Second, it has the widest array of characters . I didn't re-cast all the parts, but enough to make you laugh (and fill my word count...Arthur's a slave driver! Ha!).

On a random side note, shame on iTunes for only having D3 available! Luckily, my brothers and I watched D2 enough as kids that I can recite almost the entire movie verbatim. So, I write from my steel-trap-like memory. Do enjoy!

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JEN:

Ahh, the off-season. The Ducks started theirs waaay too early, thereby causing me to reach even further into my bag of stuff to write about each week. While I wait for any (major) news from the Ducks front office to crack wise about, I've decided to play a little game.

During a similar dead news cycle last year, Arthur and Daniel rated the Power Players. Since I'm the only girl on staff, it's only right I put my own spin on their game with the Ducks players (though I guess this could work for man-crushes too).

Some of you may be familiar with the game "Bang. Marry. Kill." If not, here's a quick rundown. A player is given a list of three people. Of those three people, the player must select which person they would have intimate relations with (bang), spend the rest of their life with (marry), or eliminate from the face of the planet (kill). Please note that I do not actually want to kill anyone. Last thing I need is another parole violation.

In the hockey version of the game, I'll be matching up the Ducks lines (with a few exceptions) and deciding which one to bang, marry, or kill. It would be too boring to play this game on my own, so I enlisted the services of two members of my entourage: my BFF/roommate Kristin and my mom. It should be noted that my mom is the complete opposite of me; she's sweet, compassionate, kind, and a super awesome oncology nurse.

All judgments and comments are based on the roster photos from the Ducks' website. Enjoy! (Note: if you play this game with your mom, get your therapist on the phone immediately afterwards)

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JEN:

We all know her. We've all seen her. Each professional sport has its incarnation of this mythic beast. For the NHL, she's the girl who comes to hockey games in a mini skirt, high heels, and full pageant makeup. And she sure as hell isn't looking at you, Mr. Regular Fan. Ahh yes, I'm talking about The Puck Bunny (also known as The Pro-Ho).

I must admit, when I see these ladies at Ponda Center, my BFF Kristin and I are usually pointing and laughing, especially when they start to shiver. While I may not be glamorous in my Getzlaf jersey and jeans, at least I'm warm. Another favorite thing of mine is to watch them try to maneuver down the stadium stairs in stilettos. It's hard to look sexy when you're clopping down stairs like a Clydesdale, trying to balance a beer, your gigantic purse, and keeping your boobs from flying out of your tube top.

Do you ever wonder why they come to the rink looking like that? It's not exactly like Jonas Hiller is going to get off the ice just to slip her his number. I guess they provide male fans with something to look at when the Power Players aren't on the ice. Away from the rink is not too much different. I live a mile away from Newport Beach, so you could say that I've observed the creatures in their natural habitat. The Puck Bunnies can smell early-twenties millionaires from a mile away.

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JEN:

In a change from my usual ranting and raving, I've decided to take a page out of Phil Jackson's book and get all metaphysical on your ass.

Enjoy my Anaheim Ducks themed haikus (yep! 5-7-5 haikus!)

High hopes for season
Lackluster performances
Early April golf

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