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Jen Plays a Game


Ahh, the off-season. The Ducks started theirs waaay too early, thereby causing me to reach even further into my bag of stuff to write about each week. While I wait for any (major) news from the Ducks front office to crack wise about, I've decided to play a little game.

During a similar dead news cycle last year, Arthur and Daniel rated the Power Players. Since I'm the only girl on staff, it's only right I put my own spin on their game with the Ducks players (though I guess this could work for man-crushes too).

Some of you may be familiar with the game "Bang. Marry. Kill." If not, here's a quick rundown. A player is given a list of three people. Of those three people, the player must select which person they would have intimate relations with (bang), spend the rest of their life with (marry), or eliminate from the face of the planet (kill). Please note that I do not actually want to kill anyone. Last thing I need is another parole violation.

In the hockey version of the game, I'll be matching up the Ducks lines (with a few exceptions) and deciding which one to bang, marry, or kill. It would be too boring to play this game on my own, so I enlisted the services of two members of my entourage: my BFF/roommate Kristin and my mom. It should be noted that my mom is the complete opposite of me; she's sweet, compassionate, kind, and a super awesome oncology nurse.

All judgments and comments are based on the roster photos from the Ducks' website. Enjoy! (Note: if you play this game with your mom, get your therapist on the phone immediately afterwards)

Ryan Getzlaf Corey Perry Bobby Ryan Comments
Jen Marry Kill Bang RG - how many days until I break up his wedding?
Mom Bang Marry Kill BR - Geek Squad
Kristin Bang Kill Marry RG - losing hair, attractive only for a limited time
Saku Koivu Teemu Selanne Joffrey Lupul Comments
Jen Bang Marry Kill JL - ok, maybe our past influences my decision
Mom Kill Marry Bang JL - a jerk, but definitely bang-able (Jen note: MOTHER!)
Kristin Bang Marry Kill JL - ass
Kyle Chipchura Troy Bodie Todd Marchant Comments
Jen Kill Bang Marry KC - love the guy, but looks like a serial killer in his pic
Mom Bang Kill Marry TB - sorry Bodie, too lame
Kristin Kill Marry Bang KC - if we were in a relationship, I know I'd end up killing him
Dan Sexton Jason Blake Mike Brown Comments
Jen Bang Kill Marry JB - Albino hamster
Mom Marry Kill Bang MB - uh huh, mmm, like them scruffy
Kristin Bang Kill Marry DS - little Sexy!; MB - yummy
George Parros Matt Beleskey Ryan Carter Comments
Jen Marry Kill Bang GP - dare I say it…free mustache rides for life!
Mom Bang Kill Marry GP - HOT & a breast cancer cure advocate
Kristin Bang Marry Kill GP - I'd rather have him as backup in a fight
Scott Neidermayer James Wisniewski Aaron Ward Comments
Jen Marry Kill Bang JW - I'd probably hurt him
Mom Marry Kill Bang SN - my favorite name, NEIDERMEYER! (Jen Note: She loves Animal House)
Kristin Kill Bang Marry SN - he looks like my uncle. Waking up next to him would be weird
Lubomir Visnovsky Sheldon Brookbank Steve Eminger Comments
Jen Marry Bang Kill SE - there aren't enough vodka tonics in the world to make him attractive
Mom Kill Marry Bang SB - stable-looking guy (Jen Note: she has no clue…)
Kristin Marry Bang Kill SE - doesn't he look like a mass murderer?
Jonas Hiller Curtis McElhinney Brendan Mikkelson Comments
Jen Kill Marry Bang CMc - looks like PeeWee Herman
Mom Kill Bang Marry All nice guys, I'm sure, but none are my type
Kristin Kill Bang Marry JH - great goalie, but should keep his mask on
All-Star Edition
Alexander Ovechkin Sidney Crosby Jonathan Toews Comments
Jen Kill Bang Marry AO - I'd be worried about what I'd catch
Mom Bang Marry Kill AO - OH YEAH BABY, SO HOT (Jen Note: really disturbed by this)
Kristin Kill Marry Bang SC - SO HOT (Jen note: we argue about this. He looks like a wet rat)
Banged/Dated Celebrities
Sean Avery Mike Fisher Mike Comrie Comments
Jen Kill Marry Bang MF - honestly, I like Carrie Underwood better
Mom Kill Marry Bang SA - looks lame and like a serial killer
Kristin Kill Bang Marry MC - marrying into money, nice.