JEN:
Ahh, the off-season. The Ducks started theirs waaay too early, thereby causing me to reach even further into my bag of stuff to write about each week. While I wait for any (major) news from the Ducks front office to crack wise about, I've decided to play a little game.
During a similar dead news cycle last year, Arthur and Daniel rated the Power Players. Since I'm the only girl on staff, it's only right I put my own spin on their game with the Ducks players (though I guess this could work for man-crushes too).
Some of you may be familiar with the game "Bang. Marry. Kill." If not, here's a quick rundown. A player is given a list of three people. Of those three people, the player must select which person they would have intimate relations with (bang), spend the rest of their life with (marry), or eliminate from the face of the planet (kill). Please note that I do not actually want to kill anyone. Last thing I need is another parole violation.
In the hockey version of the game, I'll be matching up the Ducks lines (with a few exceptions) and deciding which one to bang, marry, or kill. It would be too boring to play this game on my own, so I enlisted the services of two members of my entourage: my BFF/roommate Kristin and my mom. It should be noted that my mom is the complete opposite of me; she's sweet, compassionate, kind, and a super awesome oncology nurse.
All judgments and comments are based on the roster photos from the Ducks' website. Enjoy! (Note: if you play this game with your mom, get your therapist on the phone immediately afterwards)
| Ryan Getzlaf | Corey Perry | Bobby Ryan | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Kill | Bang | RG - how many days until I break up his wedding? |
| Mom | Bang | Marry | Kill | BR - Geek Squad |
| Kristin | Bang | Kill | Marry | RG - losing hair, attractive only for a limited time |
| Saku Koivu | Teemu Selanne | Joffrey Lupul | Comments | |
| Jen | Bang | Marry | Kill | JL - ok, maybe our past influences my decision |
| Mom | Kill | Marry | Bang | JL - a jerk, but definitely bang-able (Jen note: MOTHER!) |
| Kristin | Bang | Marry | Kill | JL - ass |
| Kyle Chipchura | Troy Bodie | Todd Marchant | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Bang | Marry | KC - love the guy, but looks like a serial killer in his pic |
| Mom | Bang | Kill | Marry | TB - sorry Bodie, too lame |
| Kristin | Kill | Marry | Bang | KC - if we were in a relationship, I know I'd end up killing him |
| Dan Sexton | Jason Blake | Mike Brown | Comments | |
| Jen | Bang | Kill | Marry | JB - Albino hamster |
| Mom | Marry | Kill | Bang | MB - uh huh, mmm, like them scruffy |
| Kristin | Bang | Kill | Marry | DS - little Sexy!; MB - yummy |
| George Parros | Matt Beleskey | Ryan Carter | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Kill | Bang | GP - dare I say it…free mustache rides for life! |
| Mom | Bang | Kill | Marry | GP - HOT & a breast cancer cure advocate |
| Kristin | Bang | Marry | Kill | GP - I'd rather have him as backup in a fight |
| Scott Neidermayer | James Wisniewski | Aaron Ward | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Kill | Bang | JW - I'd probably hurt him |
| Mom | Marry | Kill | Bang | SN - my favorite name, NEIDERMEYER! (Jen Note: She loves Animal House) |
| Kristin | Kill | Bang | Marry | SN - he looks like my uncle. Waking up next to him would be weird |
| Lubomir Visnovsky | Sheldon Brookbank | Steve Eminger | Comments | |
| Jen | Marry | Bang | Kill | SE - there aren't enough vodka tonics in the world to make him attractive |
| Mom | Kill | Marry | Bang | SB - stable-looking guy (Jen Note: she has no clue…) |
| Kristin | Marry | Bang | Kill | SE - doesn't he look like a mass murderer? |
| Jonas Hiller | Curtis McElhinney | Brendan Mikkelson | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Marry | Bang | CMc - looks like PeeWee Herman |
| Mom | Kill | Bang | Marry | All nice guys, I'm sure, but none are my type |
| Kristin | Kill | Bang | Marry | JH - great goalie, but should keep his mask on |
| All-Star Edition | ||||
| Alexander Ovechkin | Sidney Crosby | Jonathan Toews | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Bang | Marry | AO - I'd be worried about what I'd catch |
| Mom | Bang | Marry | Kill | AO - OH YEAH BABY, SO HOT (Jen Note: really disturbed by this) |
| Kristin | Kill | Marry | Bang | SC - SO HOT (Jen note: we argue about this. He looks like a wet rat) |
| Banged/Dated Celebrities | ||||
| Sean Avery | Mike Fisher | Mike Comrie | Comments | |
| Jen | Kill | Marry | Bang | MF - honestly, I like Carrie Underwood better |
| Mom | Kill | Marry | Bang | SA - looks lame and like a serial killer |
| Kristin | Kill | Bang | Marry | MC - marrying into money, nice. |