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Jen Re-Casts "D2: Mighty Ducks"


OMG. I need this off-season to be a little more BORING. Seeing as I'm a blogger now (in the loosest sense of the word), finding topics to write about each week is becoming increasingly difficult. What I wouldn't give to be at PensBurgh or Raw Charge right now...but, I love me some Ducks, so here could be my oddest post yet.

Like a lot Ducks fans out there, we fell in love with the team as kids by watching the Mighty Ducks movies. Hell, those movies are the reasons our team was brought to Anaheim, so I figured the least I could do was pay homage to the series by re-casting the films using the current-ish Ducks' roster. For those of you not of my generation, or not as well versed in the movies, I've included many YouTube clips so you get what I'm talking about.

While I pick and choose parts from all three movies, I focused mainly on D2 for a couple reasons. First, it's my favorite. It gave us such classic scenes like a distraction in a fire in a barrel and the most inspiring intermission speech ever (Jen! Costa Mesa, California. Ducks fly together!) Second, it has the widest array of characters . I didn't re-cast all the parts, but enough to make you laugh (and fill my word count...Arthur's a slave driver! Ha!).

On a random side note, shame on iTunes for only having D3 available! Luckily, my brothers and I watched D2 enough as kids that I can recite almost the entire movie verbatim. So, I write from my steel-trap-like memory. Do enjoy!

Charlie Conway as played by Teemu Selanne. Mr. Clutch. When Coach Bombay needed someone to win the game, who does he look to but his captain, Charlie. While Selanne is not our official captain, some might feel that he's the fans' captain, and that's good enough. At this point in the off season, only the Finnish media seems to know if Teemu is going to hang ‘em up or not. Charlie went through the same "do I play or not" decision each movie. What did it take to get Charlie back on the ice? A conversation with Coach Bombay. Someone get Emilio Estevez on the phone. I'm sure he's not doing anything.

Adam Banks as played by Bobby Ryan. By far, Banks had the most natural talent on the Mighty Ducks. The same can be said for young Bobby. In a departure from D2, Banks was given the opportunity to leave the team and play for the Hawks (first movie) and the Varsity (third movie). Bobby faces somewhat of the same decision. Does he leave the team that he's meant to play for, where all his friends are? Or does he leave for greener pastures (see: more money) and live up to the nickname "Cake Eater"?

Kenny Wu as played by Dan Sexton. Wu Wu Wu, Kenny Wu was added to the Junior Goodwill Games roster for the US for his speed and skating ability. Prior to joining the hockey team, Wu was a champion figure skater. Although it cannot be confirmed if Sexton was a figure skater or not, he does match Kenny Wu in the speed area. Also, like Wu, when he first came on to the scene, teams didn't know what to make of this pint-sized speedster. After a grip of goals, Wu and Sexton were finally figured out and physically punished by opponents.

Russ Tyler as played by Ryan Getzlaf. This one was a little harder. I wanted to give Getzy the character of Fulton Reed, a "bash brother" with a menacing shot, but there was one key difference between Getz and Reed - shyness. Getzy, by no means, is shy on the ice. He yaps all game long, as did Russ Tyler when when we were first introduced to him in D2. Getzlaf is known for having a hard shot (when he takes it) and so does Tyler - "it's knucklepuck time", anyone?

Dean Portman as played by George Parros. Dean Portman was one of the original "Bash Brothers". He was brought in as an enforcer, mainly because he was HUGE compared to the other kids. I cannot, for the life of me, remember if Portman did anything other than fight, strip in the penalty box, or get kicked out of games. Also, what position did he play? Yeah, I can't remember that either. It's only natural that this part went to the 6'5" Georgie. While we know that Georgie is a winger, that's not exactly what he's called upon to do during games. Remember how Portman would put on a bandana before going out on the ice? I like to think of Georgie's mustache as his permanent bandana.

Dwayne Robertson as played by Corey Perry. Everyone loves cowboy Dwayne Robertson. His stick and puck handling were unbelievable (although I hardly believe legal). If there was one thing that he was known for more than anything, that was showing off. This part could have gone to Bobby, too, but I think it's more suited for Corey. He doesn't have the finesse with the stick like Dwayne, but he sure can show off when it's completely unnecessary. In those instances, he either falls down or gets blasted by the other team, resulting in a turnover. It also wouldn't totally surprise me if Corey could swing a lasso.

Lester Averman as played by Joffrey Lupul. Averman was the nerdy guy. He would always say stupid things on and off the ice, leading people to say, "CAN IT, AVERMAN!" Also, he was the most injured on the team. Now, I'm not trying to be intentionally mean, but Loops kind of cast this part for himself. Just sayin.

Guy Germaine as played by Saku Koivu. No one seems to ever remember Guy's contribution to the team. He's been the most consistent scorer over the years, but he's always overlooked for the flashy goals of Dwayne Robertson or the beautiful shots of Adam Banks. Yet, he keeps on playing, never needing any additional hype or coddling. Saku is the same way. He's consistent. He goes out on the ice every game and plays his butt off. Oh and Germaine was the boyfriend of Connie Morreau...have you seen my signature line? ‘Nuff said.

Julie "The Cat" Gaffney as played by Jonas Hiller. Before all the Negative Nelly's out there get down on me for calling Jonas a girl, there is a reason I gave him this part. Julie The Cat was very strong with the glove. Hello, she won the game versus Iceland because of her glove skills. When I think of Jonas, I think of him on his bum with his catching glove in the air, snaring a puck mid-flight. Boom, full circle.

Greg Goldberg as played by Brett Festerling. Yes, Festerling is not a goalie. If Whitney was still on the team (and thank goodness he's not), this part would have gone to him. Every time something ridiculous happens in goal or in general, everyone responds with (say it with me), "GOLDBERG!" I kind of feel that way about Festerling. If there is an ugly turnover and it results in a shot on goal or a goal, I hear myself saying, "FESTERLING!"