This is Anaheim Calling to the Hockey World. It’s late and I’m alone. What better thing to do than a write up a running commentary of the Ducks–Sharks game that’s on my DVR?
So this is the scenario. I moved to Northern California with my girlfriend because I'm kind of into her. Ok, maybe really into her; like thinking about proposing marriage into her. [Ed. Note: I hope this wasn't meant to be a surprise… -JN]
The problem is, I had to give up a lot of my classes in Southern California and start at the bottom of the adjunct ladder up North. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to save money on an adjunct's income, but you can't. I got a second job at a movie theatre so I could start saving extra cash for an engagement present. (This girl came with a ring! Baller, right?!) What does that mean for all of you? It means you won't get to see my happy face in game threads because I'll be shutting down a movie theatre.
Of course, I'm a Ducks fanatic, which means I watch the game no matter what time I get home. That brings us to the title of this little segment. This will be a running commentary on the game that just happened, but with my own flare for the dramatic and hilarious. This won't be your mama's live blog or maybe it will be depending on your mama. If you guys like it, there may be more. If you hate, I'll probably write more just to spite you.
[Ed. Note: Due to Daniel's location in Northern California, he's forced to listen to the Sharks' local broadcast, not the Ducks broadcast. May the Lord have mercy on his soul. – JN]
First Period:
00:00: I have I mentioned I dislike the Sharks. I don't hate them. I can't. It's like hating the kid who keeps getting out first in dodgeball. They have to win something before I can hate them.
00:00: Just thought of another reason to like Daniel Winnik. We have the same first name. I wonder how many times one third of my name is on the Cup. Part of my name is probably somewhere on the Cup. I think I just giggled.
00:00: I just found a guy who sounds weirder in an interview than Bobby Ryan. Joe Pavelski sounds like the son of Frankenstein. I can’t imagine what it would be like to try and have a real conversation with him. His dates probably don’t even know what color his eyes are because he won’t look at them.
00:01: HOCKEY!!
00:40: Luca Sbisa lays the body on Patrick Marleau and further endears himself to me; mostly because I once dated a Sharks fan and she loved him. It’s a part of my life I don’t like to talk about.
1:40: Nick Bonino used that stick to take away a passing lane. He really does have a sound defensive mind.
2:35: Emerson Etem steps out for his first shift. Let’s see what happens…
3:05: I think I'm in love. Etem was down that left wing and made a great shot on goal. Then, he follows that shot all the way to the crease, and harasses the goalie. Let's hope this keeps up. Palmieri looked good too.
3:20: Marleau undressed Cam Fowler like Cam was a sorority girl at a frat house. Then Cam recovered and got right back on him. It’s like he grabbed his shirt and refused to give in to Marleau’s drunken debauchery.
4:20: …ish, cuz you know, 420. Sheldon Souray shouldn’t have tried to shoot that puck back at the net. Everyone could see it was going to get blocked. Save the zone, Souray! Pretend like it’s your career and save it!
5:20: Was that Emerson Etem beating one Shark along the wing and then another along the boards behind the net to push the puck to Palmieri? I believe it was. Etem better do something awful soon or at least a few people are going to hate me tomorrow.
5:40: I don't like Etem flinging the puck into the middle of the ice like that, but he also didn't have a lot of options. Looked like everyone left for a change.
6:40: Corey Perry gave it up like a prom date. That can’t happen on the PP. He just wasted some good work by Fowler.
8:00: Our PP Sucks. There isn't even a joke for it. It just sucks.
8:45: You know what you should never do, Bryan Allen? Like, never try to go up the boards on your backhand. Some dudes can do it. Right now, in this moment, and maybe for the rest of this game, or ever, you shouldn’t.
8:49: Hiller is Goalie Jesus right now. Allen owes that man a trip to Lawry's when they get back to SoCal.
9:30: Hate hearing these SJ homer announcers talk like the people of SJ don’t hate Teemu Selanne for missing the net in the playoffs. SJ hates Teemu and it’s ok. He probably hates you too. That is, if he was capable of hate.
9:45: SJ draws first blood. I don’t know what Toni Lydman and Sbisa were doing that far up on a turnover that happened below the circles. Both of them were out of position on that play.
9:46: If I hear these douches say "hockey's best line" one more time, I might break something. Maybe not, because I'm in my room and I like my stuff but maybe my cat will mew at them viciously.
10:45: That puck needs to be on net Cogs; you ain't Bobby Ryan. You can't be missing the net and everything when you get a one-timer from between the dots.
11:48: Daniel Winnik makes almost half a million less than Andrew Cogliano. I don’t know what that means yet, but I’m sure it’s important.
11:50: Ryan just tried to pass it to Teemu! He failed though 🙁
13:20: Etem does close the gap on defenders quick. He also just threw himself in front of a shot. There's so many levels to his game, I'm going to start calling him Ghosts and Goblins.
15:00 One of these fools just tried to sing a Gap Band song. I've never wanted to reach through a TV screen and slap a dude so bad in my life, except Jeff Van Gundy. That man is the most useless thing on TV since the 700 Club.
15:43: Sbisa just put the shot in a perfect spot and got the rebound he wanted. It hasn't been an awful period for him, except the whole being way out of position thing.
16:00: Nick Bonino just did his best Paul Kariya impression by trying to airmail a puck to Selanne. Antti Niemi snatched that shit like he was Miyagi with a pair of chopsticks going after a fly. Bad news Bones, you ain’t Paul. Of course, few are.
17:50: Someone needs to whoop Douglas Murray like he stole something. That’s a Shark I hate. I hope someone catches him with his head down and delivers a crushing, non-injurious hit.
19:44: Niemi saved by a quick whistle.
20:00: Big Pavelski is the dumbest nickname for a player. Making a pun out of the Big Lebowski does not make your player cooler. It makes you a biter. These commentators are twits.
Second Period
1:30: Sharks got away with a hold. Ducks need a whistle. A penalty against the Sharks will help, maybe, if our PP decides not to suck.
2:30: Ducks are passing to nobody. Literally, they are passing to spaces that are not occupied by Ducks and to which Ducks are not headed. It's appalling. What do I have to do to get some Devo in front of the net and some point shots?
5:00: I want to like Cogs, but he's like a dog that just can't play fetch, or a cat that refuses to let you pet it, ever. There just isn't enough of a pay off to put up with having a pet. Get the puck on net Cogs.
6:35: I don't like that we keep piling up PP chances. This is going to swing the other way eventually, and if we can start putting one away, it's going to get ugly later in the game.
6:35: I'd really like to see something from Perry on this PP. He really needs to take charge of something
7:15: Get the puck on net, Cam!
7:20: Have I mentioned I hate Ryan Getzlaf on the point on the PP? Yes, he has a great shot. I get it. But he also delivers the puck very well. Why not let him work along the half boards and get some defensemen up top, so that maybe there will be less penalties.
8:40: Better to be lucky than good I suppose. Good work Beauchy!
9:39: Matt Beleskey whipped it! Whipped it good! He really does have a pretty potent shot. Hasn’t fully harnessed it, but it can be effective. It’s what makes him worth keeping as the bottom line player. [Ed. Note: Called it. Look at game thread. – JN]
10:30: Half way into the game and the Sharks power play is as absent from this game as President Bush from a security meeting. Best way to cool down a hot PP is to stay out of the box. Hope they can keep doing it.
11:51: Etem wanted to stay home instead of pressuring the puck. That’s a kid who didn’t want to take a defensive risk, and almost made a mistake. Good thing Francois Beauchemin was there to direct traffic.
13:00: When did we stop finishing checks? You have to make guys pay the price. You're an Orange County team, you guys should know all about overpaying for things. Make people overpay for that ice in your zone!
15:20: Sbisa just did his best Lionel Messi impression; he was dribbling through fools like this was a UEFA game.
15: 48: There's the Bobby I know and love, stick handle a little ways into the zone and let it fly from just inside the blue line. The change is coming Bobby, send the puck behind the boards and see if you can draw an interference penalty by going after it. Or, get the puck on net. Either works
16:43: Sharks find some jump; Hiller stays Goalie Jesus. The world continues to turn. I have to do this at least once when we play the Stars so I can make soap opera jokes about Dallas.
17:15: I didn't know fighting through a check was a penalty. Learn something new everyday.
17:15: There is an Arthur clone at this game. He is wearing a Sharks jersey and is behind the Ducks' bench. I don't know a hitman up here, somebody get me a number quick.
17:20: Just realized the game is already over and I can't assassinate the Arthur clone. That's just wrong.
17:50: Will we se Etem on the PK?
19:15: Cogs is good on the PK, maybe not $2.3 million good, but good.
19:49: Getz just shoved Joe Thornton to the ice. Hulkzlaf angry!
19:52: Hiller is still Goalie Jesus
19:52: Seriously, Sharks announcers suck. I don't know how they can call this game and suck at the same time. It's like magic.
Third Period
00:00: Thank the Hockey Gods this is the last period. If I had to listen to these clowns for another period I'd have to seriously consider becoming the villain in Sudden Death and doing the hockey world a favor by blowing up the Shark Tank.
1:00: I need a hug. It's clear the Ducks don't love me, otherwise they'd fix this damn power play.
2:07: I don't think that should have been tripping. Sbisa gets to the puck first. I'm pretty sure that means he's allowed to make contact on the follow through, but it's almost 2 A.M. and I'm not checking the rulebook.
3:00: Come on Perry, you can't blow a shorthanded 2-on-1. You're killing me.
3:30: Really Allen? This isn't a passing drill. You don't give it back to the guy who gave it to you. If this turns into a goal I might accidentally kick my cat.
5:39: Perry just stole that puck from Thornton like he was playing Final Fantasy. I'm not sure that makes sense, but it was just like the game. You get it if you played.
7:13: Hiller does his Goalie Jesus thing and bails out the 4th line. It's strange watching a play unfold like that. Palms turns it over on the other end, and the Sharks are in business on the other end. Hockey is such a fluid game. It really is beautiful. From whistle to whistle every play is connected. I think that's why I can watch so much of it.
8:00: I don't know what they've been slipping Winnik, but he is a man possessed so far this season. I wonder if there's a secret performance enhancing problem in the NHL. Some players have to be using something. It can't be completely unscathed.
10:00: I'm beginning to wonder if I've imagined it, but I'm pretty sure the Ducks shifts have been too long all game. This injustice cannot stand, man! I might have gotten that wrong. There will probably be other Lebowski quotations later though.
11:10: Good deflection by Bones. I think this second line is rounding out a little bit, but they still aren't playing incredibly well. It's like a fighter with a lot of power, but who can't stop telegraphing his punches. Yeah, he can hurt you, but only if you aren't paying close attention.
16:30: Murray just buried Bobby. Someone go after that fool before he hurts somebody.
17:05: Sometimes watching Perry work behind the net is just amazing. I don't know if I've ever seen anyone be that slick behind the net. No wonder defenseman hate him; he's always making them look silly
17:15: No more Goalie Jesus. Hiller let's in a softie. Seriously, that goal could have been put in a cone at a Dairy Queen.
17:15. I recant. It wasn’t that soft of a goal. Logan Couture used that screen pretty well. I still think Hiller could have made that save. Mandatory shout-out to Scott Gomez. He didn’t deserve all that hate.
19:02: That was a horrible giveaway at center ice by Allen. Someone needs to let Allen sit the puck down in a room and read it some Winnie the Pooh. Then he'll know the puck is his friend and he doesn't always have to send it away so fast.
19:43: If this giveaway madness continues the Ducks aren't going to survive overtime. Also, I hate these announcers. These fools belong in a Pujols' stat column.
19:53: Why you no wanna win Getzlaf?
Overtime:
00:00 I guess you guys get five more minutes of me. Sucks to be you.
00:20: Hiller rediscovers his Hockey Jesus to stop Marleau on a shot from inside the dot!
1:20: It's overtime. There's tons of space. Why no Etem? I think that 4th line deserved more minutes. They did have some tough defensive shifts, but they also had some good pressure up ice. I thought they looked good overall.
2:40: Can't keep getting stuck on these long shifts.
3:20: Somebody call Gretzky and let him know that Perry keeps sneaking into his office.
Shootout:
00:00: Might as well, right?
00:00 Glad to see Getzlaf isn't in the top three of the shootout again.
00:00 Ducks had chances to win this game, but they've given the Sharks a bonus point. That's disappointing.
Michal Handzus: Torched Hillsy on the glove side.
Bobby: Ummm…that just happened.
Joe Pavelski: I don't really care because nothing could be more important than pointing out these tools called him the Big Pavelski again. Maybe I can learn to hate San Jose.
Corey: Did he just go 5-hole again? You can't go to the same spot on back-to-back shootouts
Ryane Clowe: Denied by Hiller. Can Teemu do it?
Teemu: They hate you. Punish them. Sad face…