DANIEL:
This is Anaheim Calling to the Hockey World. It’s been a while since I could do one of these. People had trouble interpreting the humor, and I got tired of people jumping to conclusions. If you don’t know what these posts are about, the short version is that they are a hate-filled festival of jokes and good times. Some of the hockey observations are real, but mostly it’s a chance to do some good old fashioned hating the way it’s supposed to be done. I waited until Game 3, because I thought we might get Pierre Maguire between the benches, seeing as how we are a primetime game on NBCSN tonight. Alas, he was in Washington for the Caps/Rangers, so unless NBC decided to give this post a present by flying him the two hours to do both games, I will just have to do without. Onto the game!
First Period
00:00: Does Zetterberg ever shave, or is that just his beard after five days? If it's the latter I'm a little jealous of that beard's dominance.
00:00(b): Drop the Puck!!!
00:05 I like Sbisa pressuring in the neutral zone like that. Steps up takes the body, and forces a dump.
1:21: I like that shot by Palms. Ducks needed a whistle.
2:04: Watching the Ducks break out of their zone is like watching Gimli run. You know he's going to get there eventually, but that poor fool has to work so hard just to get to the offensive zone! It's like Babcock is determined to turn the clock back to New Jersey circa 1995
2:19: Someone in the press box must have been mean to Sbisa. He's playing like he is scared of the scratch list, at least for two shifts.
3:42: I don't know if Fowler's play this postseason is corollary or causal to playing with Lovejoy, but if pairing him with Lovejoy means I can have this Fowler all the time, Lovejoy should get paid, and a kitten. He deserves a kitten for this.
4:23: Perry mixing it up with Ericsson. I love it. Good to see that old Perry coming out tonight. Besides, it's not like anyone in Red is going to do anything but bark.
4:24: I don’t know who this @VFilppula51 is, but he just sent the following tweet: Beat Temmu on draw #lifecomplete #signmystick? #Marryme [Ed. Note: Based on that last hashtag, I’m guessing Maeby Fünke. 21 Days! -CK]
4:50: @VFilppula51 just tried to dance to the net and got denied by a baller stick check by one Nick Bonino.
5:01: Someone needs to explain to Bobby Ryan how that whole passing to space thing works.
5:28: You know who's awesome at getting his shot through from the point? Luca Sbisa. You know what the Ducks have trouble doing on the PP? Getting the shot through on the point. I'm sure there's a syllogism I should be creating right now.
5:54: I know Etem spent a lot of time being a scorer in Junior, but damn can he throw the body. By the end of this series there will be Detroit wives woken in the middle of the night when their husbands shout, "Etem, No!"
6:22: Jimmy Howard is a lump today. That man is dropping to the butterfly and taking everything in the chest like…ok that’s a joke I shouldn’t finish. Ducks gotta get him to move laterally or shoot lower for the rebounds.
6:34: Getzlaf just rubbed Abdelkader out along the boards. Chin straps better be tight for this one.
6:48: Getzlaf's body work along the boards this shift should be featured in Muscle and Fitness. It is that beautiful.
7:21: Getzlaf blocks a shot then feeds Perry for a sky-high clear. That man just had a monster shift. He ended what was starting to look like a scary shift for Detroit and limited their scoring chances. He's practically a different player this year.
8:01 Someone needs to tell Beauchemin he's the last man back. He must have thought Lydman was deep and he cleared a path for Franzen so that he could pick up the second man in. Hiller decided to call upon his inner Goalie Jesus and stop Franzen on the breakaway.
8:25: Samuelsson checks Selanne from behind and gets called for the obvious interference. He won't get the extra two for slashing Bonino's legs after Bonino gave him a small shove, but that's life playing the Wings. I'm more impressed with the way Bonino stepped up to a much larger Samuelsson and dared that fool to do something. Way to stick up for Teemu, Bones.
8:25(b): Of course there's an even up call. It wouldn't be fair to let Detroit go shorthanded in their own building. Every NHL official knows that. Seriously though, that's one of the weakest retaliation penalties I've ever seen.
9:07: That's a pretty obvious high stick. Unless you're playing the Ducks, then it's totally cool.
9:37: Zetterberg just skated around Beauchemin like he was standing still. This Ducks D is so immobile I'm going to start calling it Luongo's contract.
10:03: Big Clear Winnik!
10:24: You've gotta be fucking kidding me. I don't even have a joke for that. Just an emoticon :'(
10:51: Goalie Jesus!
10:51(b): @VFilppula51 tweet: I'm thinking long term. Fan enough in close range and Hiller is too sick for Game 4.
11:44: Datsyuk didn't hit the post; Hiller moved the puck with his mind.
12:05: I think Cogliano really loves clearing the puck because he knows his shot doesn't need to be accurate.
13:51 Watching Franzen fall is forcing me to relive the mistake that was Jack The Giant Slayer.
14:50: Sbisa blocks a pass and the Ducks get a clear. I am saddened to think of the abuse he suffered in the press box. He is so scared of going back there.
14:55: The Ducks PK versus the Detroit PP is like watching the Highlander versus the Kurgan. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
15:33: If that isn't Datsyuk's smooth skating on the backcheck, Etem and Steckel break for a 2 on 1. Guaranteed.
16:18: I hate that shot decision by Winnik. No Traffic to the glove while Detroit has four forwards on the ice in an even strength situation. I haven’t seen decision making that poor since I dated a Sharks fan.
16:40: I'm pretty sure Cam sold that. The refs definitely need to balance this game in terms of penalties, but I don't know if that's the one you call. Yes, Cam was hooked, but if Datsyuk does that it isn't a penalty. Cam needs to be stronger there.
16:40(b): Power Play! I almost forgot what it was like for us to have a man advantage.
17:03. I buy that hook a little more. He clearly got the hands.
18:20: Teemu didn't put that where he wanted. If Jimmy Howard prays to a hockey deity, he owes that fool an offering.
18:41: Getting this face off to stay in the zone might be the first argument Getzlaf has ever won with a ref.
20:00 Perry is getting abused in that crease, but he keeps going. I think his effort so far has been under appreciated
Second Period
00:00 They showed the Gordie Howe Statue in front of the Joe. I just realized there will one day be a Teemu Selanne Statue in front of the Ponda Center, and I will have to be their for its unveiling. Also, it should be matching Kariya-Selanne Statues.
1:27: It's a slow start as the team exchange icing calls. They showed Babcock jawing at the refs for a little bit, and I couldn't help but wonder one of his children bought him that horrible, horrible tie.
2:00 That last R-B-8 rush up the ice was so sloppy it made me think of sloppy joes, which made me think of that crazy cafeteria lady in Billy Madison, which made me laugh, but also made me sad, because that last rush up the ice was as ugly as that cafeteria lady, which is worse than being sloppy. I'm just saying it was terrible!
3:36: Why would Beleskey be on a line with Koivu and Cogs? I suppose the easy answers are that Winnik is hurt or has an equipment issue. If Bruce has done this on purpose, then I haven't seen this one this delusional since the last time Ann Coulter talked.
4:00: Palms-Getzlaf-Winnik? Now I'm just more confused. I guess the third answer is that the Ducks have forgotten how to get a full line change.
5:24: Fowler makes a great rush up the ice and then runs into Selanne. I've seen too much of that today. It's Bad News Bears on the rush. Everybody is running into each other. It's the worst SNL skit ever! Stop IT!
5:42: You know why it wasn't icing? Allen is slow 🙁
5:58: Palms just rubbed Cleary out along the boards. Why you trying to get me to like you Palms?!
6:21: This second period has been so stop and go I'm having PTSD about driving on L.A. freeways, "NOOOOO, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE 5!!!!!!!"
7:00: Positive sidenote: these announcers are so boring it's easy to tune them out. I honestly don't know what they've said all game.
7:28: Getzlaf just stepped in front of Datsyuk and took the puck away. Hulkzlaf Angry! Magumbo will not permit me to type what I am thinking. However, I can say that watching Datsyuk wipe out like that after Getzlaf just ate his lunch brought a special joy in my heart that could probably only be understood by the Grinch when he was snatching all those presents.
8:09: Tweet from @VFilppula51: I think Hiller has my car keys.
9:03: Remember when Jakub Kindl thought there was no way in hell Etem could beat him to that puck? You could see on his face that he thought that rookie was stupid for tapping it so far into center ice. Remember when Etem smoked like him Sherlock Holmes working on a pipe? that was beautiful
9:08: Etem needs to pay better attention to the game though. Not gonna beat Howard 5-hole like that.
9:42: Etem finishes his awesome shift by holding the zone with a soccer style play. That kid can do amazing things if he learns to stickhandle with his speed.
11:03: Perry breaks up an almost Detroit 2-on-1 like he caught some kid kissing his daughter. Ok, Perry doesn't have kids, but Nyquist was probably looking for mama to come help him after the mean Perry ties his stick up and took the puck away.
11:27: The fight I want to see this series is Kronwall-Perry. Kronwall has never dropped the gloves in his life according to hockeyfights.com, which is embarrassing for him considering how many players he's injured. If he has fought and it simply isn't available at the aforementioned database or youtube, where I also checked, some Red Wing fan should write a letter somewhere to defend his honor, although that's probably more effort than Kronwall has ever put in to defend his own honor
11:57: Datsyuk went down pretty easy, but Getzlaf had no business reaching like that either. That's a call you have to stomach.
11:57(b): Before the penalty, Palms made a good play pressuring the puck farther up ice and making sure that another guy could get a change behind him.
13:25: Tweet from @VFilppula51: Srsly Brunner? I already tried that!
14:00: See Etem, that was the time to go 5-hole, to make sure you get the puck on net. You're killing me kid. Right now you got less finish than Sweden.
15:00: How many cross-checks can a Perry take before a Perry gets a call for cross-checking? That sounded funnier in my head
15:06: Who would have guessed that the first flying elbow would be from Abdelkader and not Kronwall. It doesn't really matter. It was clearly a blindsided hit to the head, and if he doesn't get five minutes when we come back from commercials I'll be a little disappointed.
15:06: Always knew the Wings were a dirty team. Glad to see it's finally getting called.
15:29: Bones puts down a sexy rebound. Perry lost the handle, but he was making a strong move and that puck was going in one way or the other. Someone needs to get Bonino something nice. Seriously, Perry and Getzlaf should buy him a Benz or something. You need that to impress OC girls.
16:20: It's a five minute major. What are the odds Etem still can't get some PP time?
16:40: Announcer just said something relevant: it's been a series special teams. I suppose that's more of an observation of fact though.
17:29: Tweet from @VFilppula51: Inviting Hiller to my next party. He can turn water into wine #goaliejesus
18:10: please stop making Hiller be goalie jesus.
19:08: This is what I get for thinking these guys aren't so bad after they said something factually accurate. "Sometimes on a long power play you have to use guys you wouldn't normally use and that can slow down the PP…Beleskey is out there and he's normally a fourth liner." Beleskey plays on our second PP unit, and Bruce has been rotating his two PP units for this entire four minutes. *face palm*
20:00: Seriously, one goal on a five minute major? Also, Seriously a five minute major and you don't throw some Cogs-Etem-Steckel at them just to give the other guys a little rest? Come on Bruce. Does Etem have to bake you a cake or something?
Second Intermission:
Watching the replay of Abdelkader’s “hit” on Lydman. I didn’t realize the flying elbow was patented by the Red Wings. I wonder if Kronwall only calls Abdelkader padawan in the locker room. Can’t wait to see how Shanahan’s wheel of justice handles this.
Third Period
00:00: If you guys knew how long it took to write these, you'd appreciate me more.
00:00: We got outshot 3-1 while on the PP? Bruce needs to fix this PP. I know it's been scoring, and people like that, but that's as inexcusable as picking Professor X as one of your favorite X-Men.
3:13: Tweet from @VFilppula51: Hiller…I hate you :'(
3:18: Tweet from @DLoJones83: srsly dude, stop tweeting me.
4:10: "Datsyuk wins the draw" is becoming an automatic phrase. At what point do you tie up the stick and ask a winger to help?
4:34: I'm not a fan of this call against Sbisa. Technically, I think he's entitled to have his back against the boards there as it would constitute his ice. Just because he's not moving for Datsyuk, doesn't mean he's interfering.
5:20: I want to put Etem and Cogs out on the PK together again, and just play the Speed Racer theme the whole time they kill the penalty, complete with crazy zoomed in multiclor things.
6:33: Getzlaf clearly mistook Damien Brunner for a buffet; he took what he wanted and left the rest behind. Result: a delicious shortie
7:15: Just saw the replay of Getzlaf's goal. Homeboy has more reach than the Department of Homeland Security.
8:03: Etem makes this goal happen by pressuring the D up ice with his speed. then he hands off to Selanne after Teemu wins the puck along the boards, goes to the front of the net and makes his stick available. I'm so glad I told the Ducks to draft this man. Etem was so low when he snapped that on net, I thought he was doing an Elvis pose.
10:58: The graphic after the commercial features all the guys playing on the Red Wings who were born after Teemu was drafted. I secretly wish one of them is his illegitimate child.
11:59: I didn't know we were on the PP. It was looking 5-on-5 for a minute. I'm not sure if that's good or bad yet.
11:59(b): If Perry is getting Howard to lash out like that, then he is doing his job. If Howard is smacking Perry upside the head with his glove, he probably knows Perry pretty well as a person.
12:15: I hope Howard is at least a little embarrassed. That dive belonged in the Olympics.
13:34: The Ducks might be pouring it on at this point. It's nice to see Koivu whip it from the halfboards like that. He and Selanne have clearly taken advantage of Getzlaf's education at Hogwarts. Those two have discovered the sorcerer's stone and are now drinking the elixir of life. No word yet on what Nicolas Flamel thinks about this.
15:00: is there anything more beautiful than the silence in Joe Louis Arena?
17:20: I don't think I've seen Lydman since he got hurt. Ducks stretched the lead with five defensemen?
17:35: There's a beautiful irony when it comes to the Ducks, advanced stats, and this series. They are playing well against Detroit, which advanced stats said they probably couldn't do, but they are doing it by doing everything advanced stats say a team should do to win. They possess the puck and they're outshooting their opponents. It's like getting good advice that you don't want to follow, and then you're mad when it turns out to be good advice.
20:00: Hiller gets the shutout #goaliejesus
20:00(b): See you all on Monday for Game 4, except Abdelkader. You will be suspended, because you are a dirty, dirty cheater. And a horrible person. You drown puppies.