DANIEL:
I’ll take this opportunity to apologize to any of our sensitive friends at On The Forecheck. This is meant to be funny, but you’ll probably be offended. Just wanted to get that out of the way, since someone in Nashville will inevitably call some hit from a Ducks player dirty, and I will inevitably ask whether or not said player should have offered sweet tea and pecan pie before stapling that fool to the boards.
FIRST PERIOD
0:00: I'd like to thank the Nashville announcers for diagramming the reverse breakout. Apparently, when the puck meets pressure along the boards, going back the other way is something you do.
00:20: Sbisa did not offer Erat Sweet Tea!!! That dirty bastard.
00:55: Beauchy saved the zone with his face! Maybe he does want a Norris nomination.
1:45: Palms held that puck too long. Perry is between the circles and ten feet from the paint. I don't care if that puck just popped out of Kate Upton's cleavage, pass it to Perry. I blame Seth Macfarlane for that joke. I don't even know if that's how you spell his last name.
2:48: You know who hates having to carry his own equipment bag, Emerson Etem. That fool was like a 6-year-old chasing a cupcake on that forecheck. Props to Bonino for knowing where to be too! Great feed and an easy finish
3:30: These Nashville announcers are the opposite of those old dudes from the Muppets. I swear to the hockey gods they have rocking chairs and lemonade in the booth.
3:49: Etem's rookie scoring magumbo is infectious. He even got Palmieri out of his slump. Palms just went around Weber like Shea was taking a nap.
5:00: Let me get this straight? Fowler is stuck behind the net, Sbisa is offering a small outlet up the LW boards, the Preds have two guys on the forecheck applying pressure, and there isn't a damn forward in sight?! It doesn't take that long to get the line change, boys.
6:12: It feels too early to be happy. I don't think two goals is gonna get it done tonight.
6:51: When Fowler gets on his horse and charges in the attack like that, it's a beautiful thing to watch.
8:47: If that's Allen's pitching wedge that fool needs to quit golfing.
9:30: If Fasth leaves a rebound four feet in front of him, and no one notices, do they still complain about Hiller?
10:25: That's a good backcheck by Palms. Might be the best play I've seen him make all year. Comes back to the zone and makes sure a turnover doesn't turn into a scoring chance. Good play.
10:something: It's commercials, and they just called the cheerleader a shy debutante. I couldn't believe it. I almost fell off my bed laughing.
11:16: Finally heard Selanne's name. I suspect the Not Muppet old guys just can't say his name properly so they try not to talk about him.
12:00 If Sbisa and Fowler can limit the times they have to play behind their own net, the Ducks will be moving the puck forward very well when they're on the ice.
13:13: Maroon wants to dance bad. You know who else is in the middle of the scrum? Etem! Why?! Because he's a badass!!
13:45: These announcers constantly announcing how much time has passed is both annoying and helpful. Also, I think Perry was trying to get the puck towards Palmieri on that slapper.
14:10: I don't know why people keep talking about plus/minus like it's an important stat. It's like talking about Lottery winners being hard workers, or crazy people talk about how global warming isn't real. Face it announcer guy, you don't know what the stat really means.
15:50: I'm so glad that it's a short season, so I can enjoy how Souray and Beauchemin have developed great chemistry and ignore the fact that they will never play more than 60 games together a season.
16:20: I just heard the Nashville color guy use the phrase, "that's a pretty good start, son". I'm convinced he has a diamond studded grill he wears during the games.
16:57: Clearly, Palmieri is too small to be noticed by the Nashville defense. It's like he's Raj and the Nashville defense is a woman. They are avoiding Palmieri like the plague.
18:28: I'm not one of those people who thinks a player should focus on individual stats over the success of the team, but when those stats belong to your goalie, you should do everything in your power to help that man save his stats! I hope the rest of the game isn't like this. This isn't the Nashville team I've come to know and hate.
Second Period:
00:11: What's Etem got to do to get a serious chance at the PP. That man has played special teams his entire career, and Gabby looks at him like a Tea Partier looking at a scientist. That's unreal.
00:24: You know what I like about Hiller handling the puck? He doesn't almost pass it into his own net.
00:50: What can't Perry do. I love when he accepts that puck turns towards the boards and feeds it to the middle on the backhand.
1:07: Someone call the cops! Palms is turning tricks! He better use some of that money to buy Perry dinner. Perry just treated Palms like he was Augustus Gloop and fed him all night. And the night isn't even over yet!
1:30: If this keeps up, I’m going to call FIFA so they can investigate the Preds. This is not Nashville. It’s a good thing the Preds gift wrapped one for us after a tough loss to the Kings.
2:57: Selanne does his Hockey Jesus thing and flips the puck to an open piece of ice, and then it hops over Matt Beleskey's stick. Bleskey needs to do a Wayne Campbell impersonation when they get back to the locker room. He's not worthy!
5:00: Haven't had to say a lot about the defense tonight, since Nashville's offense is more inept than Congress.
7:30: This game is getting boring. Someone go check the Hooters on the other side of the 57. I’m pretty sure that’s where the Predators are.
8:55: The trivia question on the Nashville broadcast is "who scored the game clinching goal against Anaheim?" I have never felt so sorry for a franchise in my entire life. Seriously, how sad is it that your greatest moment is a first round playoff victory against the only other team in the league that people don't care about.
10:50: I feel so bad for that franchise, that I have nothing to say about that goal we gave up. I'm glad they got a cookie today.
11:55: Weber's pass was just ugly there. It's like Weber doesn't know how bad our penalty killing is. Seriously, how can they not even care? Don't they know you need two teams to have a rivalry game. What are the residents of Smashville going to do if they can't have bragging rights in this series? Their little hockey lives will be so sad :'(
14:00: I know "wide open on the back door" isn't necessarily a dirty phrase, but when the Nashville grandpas say it, it's a little weird.
15:10 PP got a little pass happy. I'm about a minute and a half away from calling the Preds quitters. I can't believe I have to watch another period of this shit.
16:00:Just when I thought these old dudes couldn't say anything to make me hate them, they compared Cogs' skating to Paul Kariya's. Are you kidding me? I'll be Eddie Griffin and these guys can split time as NPH and we'll reenact that scene from Undercover Brother where Griffin lays the smackdown. Cogs is certainly fast, but so are a lot of guys who play in the NHL. Kariya was probably the smoothest skater of a generation. I will kill you. Cogliano?! Kariya's career is turning over in its grave.
17:52: What the hell did they just call?
17:52(after the replay): Really, Fasth?! REALLY?! I'm embarrassed for you. This isn't soccer.
18:50: Palms has to shoot that from the point. That was the one pass too many. Just let it fly on net. You've scored three, just take the point shot and let someone else score.
19:20: Koivu has to be playing for a contract. Koivu won't retire after a year like this, he'll retire when Murray wins a deadline trade.
THIRD PERIOD
0:00 Thank the hockey gods this is almost over. I can already here the Nashville fans talking about 2011 as if they actually won something that year.
2:10: If Lydman would have scored on that shot, I would have made a very inappropriate joke. If Lydman, Selanne and Koivu ever connect on a goal this year I will use it. It is not my joke, but it is hilarious! Thank you, Arthur.
3:33: Nashville announcers are talking about the great game that Fasth has played. I get that you want to praise a guy whose record is all nice and fancy, but Nashville only knocked on the door once tonight, and they put it in the net. It's been a pedestrian night at best.
5:30: Clearly, Palms felt bad about hanging his hat all over the Predators and he refused to settle that puck out of mercy. Either that, or he’s caught Bobby Ryan disease and just couldn’t bring himself to pass that puck to somebody else when there was an empty net so close.
9:25: Beauchemin just put his shoulder into Bourque. I missed Beauchy while he was gone. Poor Scott Niedermayer had to play with James Wisniewski instead of Beauchemin. There should be a circle of hell for making someone endure playing with Wisniewski.
11:00 Etem shows up on the PK and almost pots the shortie!
11:20: Nashville is so bad tonight they make our PK look good.
12:06: Now that's a good save by Fasth!
13:17: I'm going to buy Bobby Ryan some Windex for his birthday so that maybe he can start getting rid of all these streaks. That man's scoring is more inconsistent than the owners during labor negotiations.
17:00 Etem has had a strong game. He'll need more special teams minutes soon so he can round out all the way. He's a special player.
20:00: It was a very uneventful game, and I'm sad about how awful Nashville played. I was hoping for this to be a tight and exciting game. Instead, the Preds embarrassed themselves. Even Hannan's fight with Beleskey was sad clown face. At least I didn't have to cover a shootout this time.